The 2016 Coyote Awards

The 2016 Coyote Awards

    Good evening, and welcome to the 2016 Coyote Awards, when we celebrate the triumphs and dubious achievements of the past year. Beyonce’ was to perform for us tonight, but she’s home with a black eye. I’m sorry, I’m just being told that she’s at home with a black guy. We’ve got a lot to cover, so to cut down on time, we will dispense with the acceptance speeches by the winners. Oh, and drinks are on the house. Your house. Let’s get started.
    The Benghazi Award goes to all the fuss over Hillary’s emails. Colin Powell, when he was Secretary of State, used a private server, as did Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.
    Biggest Fall From Grace — Bill Cosby.
    Most Overused Term — It was the hashtag; no real competition there.
    Best New Word I Heard Last Year — “Wazzock.” When 500,000 people in Britain signed a petition to ban Donald Trump from the UK, Parliament was obligated to take it up. One MP called him a wazzock. It comes from 70s British pop, and means a stupid, annoying person. The American equivalent would probably be jackass. I’m going to be using this one a lot.
    The Best Setup For a Punchline Award goes to Jeb Bush. On May 21st of last year, when asked about the Iraq War, he said his brother was misled into the war by bad intelligence. Yeah, his own.
    The What Could Possibly Go Wrong Award goes to Dane Gillian, 29, of Renton, WA. Last Jan. 21st he took his gun with him to see the movie “13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi,” even though Regal Cinemas forbids guns. He was worried about a possible mass shooting. To prep himself, he popped a Xanax, ate a pizza, and downed a 22 oz. beer. About fifteen minutes into the movie, the gun went off, the bullet going into the torso of 40-year-old woman (condition is satisfactory). He then slunk out, witnesses describing him as looking “pretty messed up.” His father later called the police and he was arrested.
    Best Attempt at a Real Smile — Ted Cruz. A neurologist wrote about it in Psychology Today last month. He explained that when smiling, the muscles around the mouth are voluntary, but those around the eyes are not. The eyes typically narrow, causing those well known crow’s feet. That’s why it’s difficult to put on a fake smile. Them eyes ain’t smiling.
    The Harold Hill Award for Salesmanship — The Donald, of course. Prof. Harold Hill was the lead character in Meridith Wilson’s “The Music Man.” He too was a huckster, who knew how to read people. Except he wasn’t a boorish, narcissistic, misogynist, bigoted fascist.
    Best Impersonation of a Populist — Hillary Clinton, Wall Street’s favorite Democrat.
    Best Impersonation of a Moderate — It’s a tie between Jeb Bush and John Kasich.
    The You Don’t Have to be a Brain Surgeon, But You Do Have to Have a Brain Award goes to Dr. Ben Carson. He seems very nice, though.
    Best Impersonation of an Adult — Marco Rubio. You’re not running for Junior Class President now, Senator. This is the playoffs! Artificial intelligence has come a long way.
    The Subversion of Democracy Award — It’s a lead pipe cinch; Michigan Governor Rick Snyder. He appoints “emergency managers” to oversee debt-ridden cities, and who have ultimate authority over elected officials. Two years ago the ER for Flint switched their water from Detroit (publicly owned) to a private service that drew water from the Flint River. It was to save money, they said. Now 100,000 people have lead poisoning, and according to Food and Water Watch, Flint has the highest water rate in the U.S., around $864 a year. They have to pay for their poisoned water. I’ll have the unleaded, please.
    The What’s Good For the Goose Award goes to State Rep. Mary Lou Marzian (D-KY). She introduced an obviously tongue-in-cheek bill that would require men who want to get drugs for erectile dysfunction to get a note from their wives first. Then they must visit a doctor twice, and sign a form promising they’ll only use the drug for sex with their spouses. She says she introduced the bill “as a way to protect mens’ health.”
    The I Got the Music In Me Award — Babypod, a product developed by a Spanish company. Playing music for your unborn baby is great, but the abdominal walls muffle the noise. Babypod is an intravaginal speaker that provides your baby with a more pure listening experience. I don’t know if it includes a subwoofer.
    The Tell Us What You Really Think Award goes to Pope Francis I. Last year he called weapons manufacturers “the dung of the Devil.”
    The Innovation Award goes to a friend of mine, call him Leon. He’s found a fresh way of dealing with annoying telemarketers, especially those with a distinct Indian accent. It’s an air horn, like those you hear at sports events. He gave one guy a BLAAAT! The guy got so mad he called back and Leon gave him another one. I have to get one of those.
    The Grand Irony Award goes to all those wazzocks doing back flips over Donald Trump. We have an oligarchy in this country, not a democracy. And these wahoos want to elect a billionaire to solve the problem? Just how dumb are we, anyway?
    The Restraint of Tirade Award goes to America’s black people. I think they have shown a commendable amount of self-control in not having burned the country down by now. They’ve certainly had ample reasons to do so, going back 400 years. They’re not content living in an apartheid society, and they’re not going to stop until they’ve attained equality. Let’s help.
    The Go to eBay and Buy a Clue Award goes to white people, the majority of whom don’t seem to have the foggiest notion about why all those black people are so upset all the time.
    The Person of the Year Award will be our final presentation, but first, the inaugural Anti-Person Award — The runaway winner is Michael Shkreli, 32, a former hedge fund manager. Last year he bought the pharmaceutical company that manufactures the drug Daraprim, a sometimes life-saving drug used to treat toxoplasmosis, HIV, and cancer. The company jacked up the price from $13.50 per pill to $749! That’s an increase of 5000%. Then the little rodent justified the dirty deed: “My investors expect me to maximize profits.” In December he was arrested for securities fraud, several counts, with a $5 million bond, going back to misdeeds in hedge funds. He was out in half an hour. And last month he was subpoenaed to testify before a House Oversight Committee hearing on drug prices, where he pleaded 5th Amendment protection (which he’s entitled to do). It was his attitude that angered both sides of the aisle. He sat there with that perpetual smirk, twirling a pencil. Minutes after the hearing, he tweeted: “Hard to accept that these imbeciles represent the people in government.” There’s a German word that’s appropriate here: backpfeifengesict. It roughly translates to “a face badly in need of a good punch.”
    vPerson of the Year — He’s old, he’s Jewish, and he’s a socialist. Bernie Sanders has been asking the questions a lot of people, left and right, would like answers to. None of those people are billionaires. The corporate media ignores him, conservatives vilify him. These are the same conservatives whose Savior is another Jewish socialist (runner-up, Grand Irony Award). And if you think of democratic socialism as the same thing as Soviet Russia, go to eBay and see if you can buy a clue. He’s the only honest candidate in the race.
    That’s our show, folks. We hope you had a good time. Please tip your wait staff, and remember, please think responsibly.

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