2017 Coyote Irony Awards

2017 Coyote Irony Awards

    It’s the awards season. The Grammys were last weekend and the Oscars this weekend, so let’s join this year’s Coyotes from beautiful downtown Culver City, California. In the past, the coveted prize was the Grand Irony Award. This year, for the first time, all awards are ironic, in the best sense of that Alanis Morissette song. Irony can range from the comic to the tragic and hypocritical. Again, dress is casual, so kick back and enjoy the show. As always, we remind you to please think responsibly.

    The Circus is in Town Award — The week before the numbskull’s inauguration, the Ringling Bros. & Barnum and Bailey Circus said it’s closing up its tents. Maybe they know they can’t compete with the coming circus from the White House. They said attendance has been declining since, and due to public pressure, they retired the elephants (the symbol of the Republican Party). The elephants are now in a preserve. I wish all the Republicans were.
    The Cover and Heat on Media Award — The mainstream media are all complicit in Trumputin’s victory. They sold their souls for ratings by giving him free coverage every time he opened his mouth, thus normalizing his bizarre behavior. But now the media is “the opposition party.” Now they have to play nice if they want access, so let’s give them a special You My Bitch Now! Award, and what the hell, throw in an Instant Karma Award as well.
    The Pot Meet Kettle Award goes to the Resident of the United States. After civil rights icon John Lewis said on a cable news show that he didn’t consider Trump a legitimate president, he had no choice but to angry tweet back: “Talk, talk, talk. No action or results. Sad!” No action? Lewis had his skull fractured by a police baton while marching with Dr. King at Selma in 1965. Talk, talk, talk, no action or results. Who does that remind you of?
    The Foxes Guarding the Henhouse Awards have multiple winners. Betsy DeVos has never taught nor attended a public school, nor have her children. She’s an advocate of private charter schools. She’s going to head the Dept. of Education. Steve Mnuchin, a hedge fund manager from Goldman-Sachs as well as a foreclosure mill vulture, will head the Treasury Department. Scott Pruitt, a lifelong enemy of the EPA, will head that agency. Tom Puzder, CEO of Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr., opposes overtime pay, the minimum wage, and workers’ rights in general, and will be Secretary of Labor. Worst of all is outright racist and bigot, Senator Jeffrey Beauregard Sessions III (R-AL). He will be the next Attorney General, the highest law enforcement officer in the land. They’re all like that. You know, I guess I never really understood the expression “like bats out of hell” until now.
    Three awards came out of Trumpolini’s attempted Muslim ban that wasn’t. First is the Let Them Eat Cake Award, which goes to Ivanka Trump and her husband, Jared Kushner. On Saturday while 100,000 legal visas were revoked worldwide, and at least 100 legal residents in the U.S. were unconstitutionally detained without due process for hours — including a 5-year-old Iranian boy, Ivanka tweeted a photo of her and her hubby (in tuxedo). They were all dressed up for some gala event. She wore a $5000 silver Carolina Herrera gown that made her look like a baked potato. I recall F. Scott Fitzgerald’s line about the rich being different from you and me. It’s just really bad optics, that’s all I’m saying.
    The second award is the History Doesn’t Repeat, It Rhymes Award, which goes to the Ugly Trumpling. He issued that Executive Order on Fri. Jan. 27, which also happened to be Holocaust Remembrance Day. He mentioned the day but not the Jews. The irony becomes apparent to anyone who knows that in 1939 the U.S. refused entry to 900 German Jews arriving on the St. Louis. They were returned to Europe, where many died at the hands of the Nazis. At the time America was isolationist, and there was a general feeling that we shouldn’t be taking in immigrants we didn’t know or trust, and who would take our jobs. A poll showed that 61% of the public felt that way.
    The third “honor” is the Bad Samaritan Award. It goes to all those evangelicals who voted for this scrotum in the White House. The travel ban included no refugees for 120 days, and Syrians not at all. Evangelicals seem to have forgotten, if they ever knew, that Jesus was himself a refugee. Matthew 2 tells how he and his family fled to Egypt to escape Herod. It’s my opinion that many of these hypocrites have never even heard of the New Testament.
    The Hypocritical Oath Award goes to ISIS’s number one recruiting tool, the immigrant-hating Tweetledumb. But his first trophy wife, Ivana, and present trophy wife, Melania, are both immigrants!
    The Call Is Coming From Inside The House! Award goes to Melania Trump. On Nov. 5th, three days before the election, she said if she were to become first lady one of her main issues would be to combat cyber bullying. Uh, Melania, have you seen any of your husband’s tweets? You must have at least heard about them, right? You can start right there. And you’ll have the advantage of being able to work from your own home.
    The Who’s the Bastard, Here, Anyway? Award goes to Trumpelthinskin, our big weiner this evening. He spent five years birthing the Birther conspiracy that Obama was illegitimate. Then he got elected in the biggest election fraud in American history; the purging of millions of minority voters, the FBI’s interference days before the vote, and the revelations that Trump’s campaign people were in contact with Russian officials. If there were ever an illegitimate president, it’s this short-fingered Vulgarian.
    Our Giant Step Backwards Award goes to that peaceful transition of power we Americans pride ourselves on, wherein the first black president handed the reins of power to a president who was widely endorsed and supported by the Ku Klux Klan, along with other white nationalist extremist groups. As the Trumpet himself says all too often, “Sad!”
    Along those racial lines, the White Hood Award goes to Senate Majority Leader Mitch “the Turtle” McConnell (R-KY). During the final Senate confirmation for Sen. Jeff Sessions, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) read a letter by Coretta Scott King. She’s the widow of the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. and originally introduced the letter into the Senate Committee considering Sessions for a federal judgeship, in 1986. He was denied. So while Sen. Warren was reading this letter about how Sessions “used the awesome powers of his office in a shabby attempt to intimidate and frighten elderly black voters,” and “his indifference toward criminal violations of civil rights.” McConnell stopped Warren under an obscure Senate law about “impuning a colleague” and forced her to be silent. It seems to me it wasn’t Sen. Warren who was doing the impuning, but never mind. Oh, and by the way, Happy Black History Month, everybody!
    The I’ll Be Your Server This Evening Award goes to Trumpledorf”s White House staff. Remember all the hoo-hah about Hillary’s private server? The White House staff is using their own private server for inter-staff email communications. It’s the same server the staff used in the George W. Bush administration! ousHH
    Finally (big fanfare music), the Electile Dysfunction and Grand Irony Award goes to the Electoral College. It was established for many reasons, one of them to appease the Southern slave states by allowing them to count their slaves as 3/5 of a person, thus gaining them more representation in Congress. But the primary reason was that the Founders didn’t trust the people, most of whom were uneducated, and who might fall for the persuasive rhetoric of a demagogue. They were there to see that a calamity like that never happened, and instead, they failed us miserably by putting a ten-year old psychotic into power.
    I never thought about it before, but the Groin Reaper talks about “extreme vetting” when bringing in immigrants and refugees (there already is, and the process takes up to two years). Isn’t it ironic, as Alanis would sing, that we don’t have an extreme vetting process for presidential candidates? It could be very simple; a full mental examination and a basic civics test. Oh, and tax returns. Then we wouldn’t have to worry about getting stuck with a foul-mouthed, ignorant lout. Well, what did you expect, an awards show WITHOUT politics? Anyway, we hope you enjoyed the 2017 Coyote Hypocrisy — I mean Irony — Awards. Be sure and tip the wait staff. We pay them $15 an hour but they work really hard, and they’re tremendous. The best. Believe me.

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