Send in the New Clowns
“This is what democracy looks like!” That’s a favorite chant at many demonstrations against some perceived injustice. Looking back to the November 4th midterm election, I would say this is what democracy looks like when nobody gives a damn anymore. Voter turnout was a dismal 36.4%, the lowest since 1942. Low turnouts have always favored the Republicans, and so they gained control of the Senate and increased their numbers in the House. If we examine the numbers more closely we can get a more accurate reading of the tragedy. Voter turnout is measured against the total number of registered voters. In this case, the average candidate won with around 19%, just over half the total. That is sobering enough, but it’s even worse, I fear. Only about half of Americans eligible to vote are registered, so it means those candidates won with about 9% of the total possible vote. The next time someone tells you the government is us, run these numbers past them.
Republicans won a passel of state and local elections too, again low turnout favoring them. This is all bad news for the sane among us, because these days the Grand Old Party more closely resembles escapees from a mental asylum than it does politicians. Let’s do a quick review of some of the ass hats, moon bats, jerk bags, and wing nuts we already have. There’s Rep. Paul Broun of Georgia, who in 2012 said “evolution, embryology, and the Big Bang theory are lies straight from the pit of hell.” Sen. James “Mountain” Inhofe of Oklahoma wrote a book, The Greatest Hoax: How the Global Warming Conspiracy Threatens Your Future, and he now chairs the Senate Environmental and Public Works Committee. Ye gods. Rep. Doug Lamborn of Colorado likened associating with Obama to touching a tar baby. No, he really did. We’ve got Rep. Louie Gohmert of Oklahoma, who may be the stupidest man in America. Let’s not forget circus clown Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas. If he’s as crazy as he sounds, he belongs in a strait jacket, not the hallowed halls of the Senate.
As you can see, we have enough boobs and bozos in Congress already. But thanks to you, America, we have another bumper crop of whackos who were just sworn in. Well, it’s been said a people get the kind of government they deserve. So what do you say — let’s meet the new lunatics! Beginning on the local level, one of the new Ann Arundel County (Maryland) Councilmen is Michael Peroutka. He’s an avid Southern secessionist who says “the gay deathstyle is intent on ruining our children.” He also says that anti-discrimination laws are a plot to replace God with government idolatry.
In state legislatures, Michigan has Gary Glenn, who expressed the desire to re-criminalize homosexuality, which he claims is “a proven threat to health and human safety.” He authored that state’s constitutional amendment to ban same sex marriage. The State House in Colorado now has Gordon Klingenschmitt, the former Navy chaplain behind the “Pray in Jesus’ Name” project (featured on You Tube). He says gay people are “unhuman,” lesbians are ”beasts,” and “only people going to heaven are entitled to equal rights.” He neglects to inform us as to how that determination is made. He’s gotten more notoriety, though, for his on-air attempted exorcisms of President Obama, to “get rid of the demon of tyranny who is using the White House occupant.” He was elected with 70% of the votes in his district. Maybe Colorado wants to be the new Florida or Arizona.
Now we come to the main event — are you ready to rummm – ble? We have a bevy of beauties here. Rep. Tom Cotton of Arkansas believes that ISIS, or the Islamic State, is in cahoots with Mexican drug lords to attack, well, maybe Arkansas! Rep. Jodi Hice, who now represents Georgia, thinks Muslims in the United States shouldn’t get First Amendment protections, and that it’s okay for a woman to run for political office as long as she’s “within the authority of her husband.” It sounds like I’m stoned on absinthe and I’m making this all up, doesn’t it? Some fever dream of a crazed and godless heathen. I swear it’s all true, though — I swear by my tattoo. Do you detect a pattern here? Pretty Biblical, I’d say. Why is it that conservatives think they own religion (and the flag), but it seems as if none of them have heard of the New Testament, and Jesus’ message of love and tolerance?
I hope you enjoyed the warm-up acts. For the big finish, we feature newly elected U.S. Senator Joni Ernst of the great state of Iowa. Her first campaign ad featured her saying “I grew up castrating hogs on the farm, so when I get to Washington I’ll know where to cut the pork!” That’s pretty funny for a Republican, I have to admit. In her acceptance speech she doubled down on her promise: “We’re gonna make ‘em squeal!” Oink, oink, Senator. She supports state nullification, which would mean a state could refuse to follow federal law. The President is a dictator who should be impeached, although I think a dictator would be ineligible for impeachment, by definition. She supports a plan to arrest any federal officials who plan to enforce Obamacare by providing families with affordable health care. She also supports a plan to slash income taxes on the wealthy (imagine my surprise), while creating a national sales tax of 23%. She would abolish the federal minimum wage law, and privatize Social Security and Medicare. Senator Ernst says she always carries a concealed weapon in case she has to use it against her government. I’m assuming she means the federal one, not her own state government. I could be wrong.
Where are the crazy Democrats? I can’t think of one, except maybe former U.S. House member Anthony Weiner, who resigned last year because he couldn’t keep his congressional “package” off the Twitterverse. Other than that, Democrats are fairly stable, emotionally, like the Republicans used to be.
See what you’ve done, America? I hope you’re happy now. If America were a dog, I’d like to spank its ass with a rolled up newspaper and rub its nose in this election. Bad dog! Bad!