Ads Nauseam Pt. II – Sports
Nowhere is the total corporatization of America more obvious than in televised sports. Every venue is named after a corporation, whether it’s Safeco Field, Key Arena, or Qualcom Park. Each game is sponsored by some beer, bank, or insurance agency. The largest viewership by far is by young men, so those are the target audience for commercials. That means lots of babes, boobs, and ass in every ad. Let’s look at the typical beer commercial for Butt Lite. Here’s a bunch of young, beautiful people just having a great time. If you drink this beer, you can join the party, even if you’re sitting alone on the couch. Oh, and don’t forget — drink responsibly. Yeah, right. College sports may substitute Coke, Pepsi, Gatorade, or some other sugary soft drink laced with high-fructose corn syrup.
Now let’s go to the next ad, some greasy junk food to absorb all that swill you just downed. Here’s another group of young, beautiful people just having a great time — they’re eating pizza, or wild wings, or buffalo humps. Doesn’t that look good? Don’t think for a moment about what happens when this stuff hits your arteries; we have drugs for that. Just think about instant gratification. Speaking of which, our next ad is for one of those gadgets you just can’t do without, the latest MePhone, MePad, or some new MeTune to download onto your MePod. I know you already have one, but this one is newer. It’s better.
Next is the obligatory ad by one of the armed forces, Army, Navy, or Marines. Why would they advertise during sports events? Because that’s where the meat is. In order to fight its endless wars, the military needs an endless supply young meat that they can turn into homicidal maniacs. See how happy these soldiers are? It’s because they’re part of a team. You want to be part of a team too, don’t you? Be all you can be — that used to be the slogan. Join the military and get a career. You also have a good chance of losing a limb or two or getting a traumatic brain injury from some roadside bomb in some god-forsaken desert wasteland. You should also be aware that all sports are basically ritualized combat. That’s the idea.
Well, let’s get back to the game, because the game is ALL. Forget that our civil liberties have been put through the shredder, or that half of all Americans live at or near the poverty level, or that industrial, predatory capitalism is turning a garden planet into a slag heap — the game is on! A few plays, then it’s back to yet another block of commercials. Look at that hot little car. You want that, don’t you? Then, of course, you need auto insurance, so one of their ads follows. Then a few more ads for those hand-held, masturbatory gadgets you can’t live without. I can’t remember who’s playing in the game.
Oh, here we go. What a play! The name of some product is computer-generated onto the field. The camera goes to a close-up of the coach, to see what he thinks of that last play. You can easily see the Motorola logo on his headphones. Other corporate logos fill the background. One team just called a timeout. You know what that means, right? Yep, another block of commercials. More babes, boobs, and ass. Now let’s get back to the game. First down is brought to you by Fidelity Trust. The down markers are courtesy of Pizza Hut, the ball is a Wilson or Spaulding. You thought you were watching a football game, didn’t you? Hah! You’re being subjected to an all-out barrage of product placement. Oh, you say, I don’t pay any attention to that, I’m watching the game. Maybe so, but I guarantee that your subconscious is registering every single image, recording every word. Do you think these companies would invest billions in TV ads if they didn’t produce mega-profits? That’s just what we KNOW they’re doing. Supposedly, subliminal projection in ads was banned decades ago, but who the hell knows?
A few more plays, then it’s on to the VISA Halftime Show. Cheerleaders and fireworks, oh my! And we’ll have that for you as soon as we come back. More beer, babes and ass drinking swill, eating greasy fast-food. Go ahead, have some! Because you young people are our future. And YOUR future is heart disease, obesity, cancer, diabetes, and being up to your asses in debt. You look like you could use another beer. Please drink responsibly.