Alternative Facts

Alternative Facts

    The relative sizes of Trump’s inauguration crowd and that of Obama, eight years earlier, has been made clear by comparing photos. Obama’s was about 1.8 million to Trump’s 250,000.
    The next day newly-minted White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer insisted Trump’s crowd was “the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration, period.” The following day, Trump’s media spokesblonde Kellyanne Conway was asked about the discrepancy, and she replied, “You’re saying it’s a falsehood. And they’re giving — Sean Spicer, our press secretary, — gave alternative facts.” I guess aerial photography is just a theory.
    So what the heck are alternative facts? Isn’t that just another term for lies? I’m afraid it’s not that simple. On the TV show “Seinfeld,” George Costanza character said, “It’s not a lie if you believe it,” and that’s the problem. When Trump says crime rates are up 42% (they’re actually down), his supporters believe him. They believe that he lost the popular vote because 3-5 million people voted illegally, and they believe the media are all liars, except for Fox (alleged) News. It’s called magical thinking — believing something because you want it to be true. What is true is that our Narcissist-in-Chief lives in an alternate reality, or as a psychiatrist would put it, he is delusional. And alternative realities must be affirmed by alternative facts. It’s too bad they weren’t around when I was in high school; I would have gotten straight A’s.
    An alternative fact can be anything you want, whatever it takes to bolster up the bullshit that’s to follow. Conservatives have made themselves believe that the more you lower taxes on the rich, the more it increases government revenues. Not only has it never, ever been proven to work, they go on insisting it’s true. 25% of Americans actually believe the sun revolves around the earth (National Science Foundation). But then Americans believe a lot of cockamamie things. Below are some alternative facts I’ve thoughtfully collected. You’ve probably heard some of them. There are also about a dozen references to famous films, just in case you’re a cinephile like me.
    Obamacare caused the Great Depression. You all can decide for yourselves why the media won’t report that.
    Donald Trump was born in the log cabin he built with his own enormous hands.
    It’s not a Muslim ban. It’s a ban on Muslims.
    Corporations are people, my friends!
    Hope and Change.
    On his first day in office, Donald Trump restored the 2Nd Amendment that Barack Obama had abolished.
    Today at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida, Donald Trump played 18 holes at 39 under par, breaking the record previously held by Kim Jong-Il.
    There was no women’s march in Washington, D.C. the day after Trump’s inauguration. Everyone loves the new President.
    The Death Star has no design flaws, period.
    The President’s secret plan to destroy ISIS was to make ISIS think he has a secret plan.
    Donald Trump was America’s first black astronaut.
    It’s my considered opinion and that of my staff that any time spent on the Bedouin will be time wasted.
    Tom Hanks peaked in “Turner and Hooch.”
    Thanks to HBO’s Bill Maher for this one: showing a sign by an anti-Trump protester that read “We’re Better Than This,” he said, “No, we’re not. If we were you wouldn’t be standing out there with a sign saying ‘We’re Better Than This.’ “
    Donald Trump has never been to Russia, has never had any dealings with Russia, couldn’t even find Russia on a map.
    I am the least racist person you’ve ever met.
    Gay conversion (pray away the gay) works.
    The moon landings had to be faked. It’s impossible to survive outside the Earth’s orbit because of the Van Halen radiation belts.
    Republicans really do want what’s best for America.
    There’s no definitive evidence that smoking is harmful.
    Professional wrestling is real.
    Not every Muslim is a terrorist, but every terrorist is a Muslim.
    James Franco and Ryan Gosling can act.
    God willing, we will prevail in peace and freedom from fear and in true health through the purity of our natural fluids.
    Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction.
    You should always water your plants with Gatorade — it’s got electrolytes!
    Everything the media says is a lie. Except for Fox News.
    Clean coal.
    Badges? We don’t got no badges. We don’t got to show you no stinkin’ badges!
    Obamacare’s death panels are gonna pull the plug on Grandma (I really like the Affordable Care Act, though).
    Climate change is a hoax cooked up by pointy-headed “scientists” so they can keep getting big governmental grants.
    A woman who is raped can’t get pregnant because the female body has ways of shutting that whole thing down.
    These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.
    It’s impossible for bumblebees to fly. Their bodies are simply too heavy.
    Donald Trump made the sun come up again today!
    Excuse me while I whip this out.
    Any negative polls are fake news.
    George Soros is paying all those anti-Trump protesters.
    Trump picks El Chapo to run DEA.
    Hillary Clinton is running a child prostitution ring out of a pizzeria in Washington, D.C.
    He may no longer be president, but Obama is still coming for our guns.
    Raymond Shaw is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.
    The Art of the Deal has sold more copies than the Bible.
    Trump University is more prestigious than Harvard.
    Today the President nominated Judge Reinhold to the Supreme Court.
    Donald Trump set a new world record in the 100m yesterday, beating Usain Bolt by nine seconds.
    War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.
    Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters Champion.
    Government is not the solution to our problem; government is the problem.
    Now, I think things have gotten so bad inside Iraq, from the standpoint of the Iraqi people, my belief is we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators.
    People believe a lot of silly things, because they need to. Call them preferred truths. They will persist in these beliefs with a stubbornness that’s hard to comprehend. I remember a quote attributed to the late Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan, when confronting a colleague: “Sir, you are entitled to your own opinions, but you are not entitled to your own facts.” I really loved what Barack Obama (miss him yet?) said in his final presidential press conference. He was diplomatically referring to his completely unqualified successor and what passes for his policies, saying that reality has a way of asserting itself.< ;p>

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