You Might be an American
(with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)
If you think you live in the greatest country on Earth, you might be an American. You also might be a citizen of most any other country, since they all tend to feel that way.
If you think we’re the greatest country on Earth, and therefore we are entitled to the resources of any other country, you might be an American.
If you don’t know much about history, don’t know much biology, don’t know much about science books, don’t know much about the French you took, you might be an American.
If you’re unable to process the political, social, and artistic intricacies of soccer and you either don’t know, or don’t know why, it’s the most popular sport in every other country, you might be an American.
If you’ve never been to a foreign country and seen how other people live, so you can gain some perspective of the human condition, you might be an American.
If you think this country has become unrecognizable from the one you grew up in, not only are you an American, but you’re old enough to remember what America was like before Ronald Reagan and his minions got their talons on it.
If you own a gun, you’re probably an American. If 30,000 people are killed by gun violence in your country every year, you’re definitely an American. No other country measures up.
If you think your penis is too small, so you have to strap on an AK-47 to go to McDonald’s, you might be an American.
If your job doesn’t include paid sick leave, you’re probably an American. We are the only one of the thirty-four developed nations that doesn’t have nationwide paid sick leave. That goes for paid maternity leave as well.
If you’re living just a missed paycheck from homelessness, you might be an American.
If you enlisted in the armed forces just to have a job and paid health care, the odds are very good that you’re an American.
If you can be financially ruined because someone in your family becomes seriously ill, you are most likely an American.
If just by getting a college degree you can be plunged into a lifetime of indentured credit servitude, you are most certainly an American.
If you are addicted to methamphetamine, you might be an American. We’re Number One!
If you’re obese, you’re probably an American. We’re Number One there, too.
If you wear sweat pants to go shopping, you might be an American.
If you don’t care what kind of food you stuff into your pie hole, where it came from, what’s in it, or how it was treated while it was still alive, you might be an American.
If you haven’t read a book in the last year, you might be an American.
If you think the default solution to any geopolitical crisis is more boots on the ground, you might be an American.
If you think Chris Kyle, subject of the movie “American Sniper,” was some kind of a hero, you might be an American. I think we can assume you’re not an Iraqi.
If you think our soldiers still in Afghanistan and Iraq are fighting for our freedom, you’re probably an American.
If you can’t find Afghanistan or Iraq on a world map, you might be an American. And if you have no idea how the political process works or what’s in the Constitution, you’re probably an American too, because your educational system has been corrupted by the demon of standardized testing.
If you see some guy in funny headgear and think he must be a Muslim, he could be a Sikh, and you could be an idiot.
If you believe pretty much everything you hear on the major media outlets, you might be an American. It means the media is doing its job.
If you think TV reality shows have anything to do with reality, you might be an American.
If you think you can catch ebola from the internet, you might be an American.
If you think we can just keep pumping carbon into the atmosphere, who cares as long as I have my new iPhone 6,
If you think you probably should vote, but oh, the hell with it, you might be an American. We have atrocious voter turnouts, and maybe it’s not that people are apathetic, they just feel powerless.
If you think that as long as you’re not doing anything wrong you have nothing to fear from an out-of-control national surveillance state, you might be an American.
And if you think America is the stupidest and most ignorant country maybe in all of history, well, you’re too smart to be an American. You must be from somewhere else.
But if you believe in the America we had before the billionaires got hold of it, and would like it back again, please, I sure hope you’re an American.