An Apology from MalWart

An Apology from MalWart

This document was sent to our editorial offices by one of our guest columnists, Professor Earnest Prankheimer. He claims it was retrieved from internal correspondence memos. We can neither confirm nor deny its veracity, but it appears to be an early draft of a statement that was never made public, until now —ed.

MalWart, Inc.

8225 Excelsior Parkway

Possum Gulch, AR 72801

August 24, 2013

    It has come to our attention that many Americans have a negative perception of MalWart, and some of our business practices. In order to clarify these misconceptions, I would like to take this opportunity to address some of these concerns.

1. MalWart doesn’t pay employees enough —
    We hear this criticism most often, and feel that it is misleading. The starting wage for nearly all our employees is over $8.00 / hour, higher than the national minimum wage of $7.25. After five years or so, a worker can easily be earning well over $9.00 (female employees exempted). We also have a robust management training program greatly facilitating career advancement within the organization (female employees exempted). We at MalWart are keenly sensitive to the economic situation of some of our workers, and pro-actively seek ways to assist them. This is why we implemented a very successful food drive last year — not for the poor or homeless, but for our own people. We do it because we care. Honestly, we’d love to pay more, but it would adversely affect the savings to you, the customers.

2. We sell mostly cheap plastic crap made in China —
    Well, that one is true. But again it is only by importing the shoddiest merchandise, usually made by children in third world sweatshops, that we can bring you the prices you’ve come to appreciate. That’s why our motto is “Save better — live money.” To show our good faith, we offer this unsolicited public service advisory: Don’t play with the toys. The reason those toys from China are so bright and shiny is due to lead in the paint. Lead is alleged to be toxic, so it’s best not to let children handle them too much.

3. MalWart is bad for small business —
    Well, pardon us for being so successful. It may be true that we put many small mom and pop stores out of business, but “mom” and “pop” are by definition most likely to be at or near the age of retirement. If we can help ease them into their golden years of leisure, we’re only too happy to do so.

4. MalWart is bad for communities —
    Actually, it’s just the opposite. Yes, by receiving a huge tax abatement, we’re not contributing to the local tax base to which the businesses we put out of business did contribute. It’s a matter of perspective. So what if your city has to lay off police and firefighters, close small branch libraries, let schools continue to deteriorate, and be unable to even repair the potholes in the streets? Isn’t that a small price to pay for the great savings you get at MalWart? Let’s not let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Consider also that without hardware, music, electronics, or food stores, the only place you can buy anything is MalWart. That has a unifying effect on the community, doesn’t it? At MalWart we’re all about building strong civic partnerships.

5.     It’s been noted that the six MalWart heirs own as much wealth as the bottom third of the country. Let me remind you that MalWart is America’s biggest private employer. We have created 1.5 million jobs just here in the United States. We feel these people are entitled to sit around on their asses by the pool, while waiting for their dividend checks.

Sincerely,

J. Milton Pennypacker

Assistant Director, Consumer Relations

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2 Responses to An Apology from MalWart

  1. Debe Doubae says:

    hee hee…..I don’t like shopping there….but sometimes….

  2. Coyote says:

    I should have just used “WalMart” because they can’t sue me. I have the Supreme
    Court on my side. Public figures can be ridiculed, and the Court has said that corporations are people, therefore WalMart is a public figure. I’m working on a post
    about my first trip to Costco now. Coming soon, the idea you gave me, which will be called “Not So Fast, My Vegan Friend.”

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