More New Apps
Our own government is recording, filtering and storing every text, tweet, burp, and fart we commit. The air, water, and food we eat are poisoned by toxic chemicals, and giant corporations have become persons with more rights than you or I. It’s obvious to me that what we need more than anything right now are more new apps for our mobile devices. With a population cowed into subservience, the need for mindless distraction has never been greater. With that in mind, here are some new apps that may have escaped your attention.
Right Now! — This app will tell you what any given celebrity is doing at that moment. So far it’s available for Justin Bieber, Myley Cyrus, all of the Kardashians, the cast of “Jersey Shore,” Paris Hilton, and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. Versions of other self-obsessed, shallow nitwits will appear as they reach celebrity status.
Panda Monium — This will instantly pop up whenever the next cute little panda baby is born anywhere in the world, with photos. We just love baby pandas.
Purrfect — The app will alert you when a new cat video shows up on You Tube. You can’t have too many cat videos, can you?
Game of Drones — It lets you know if a drone is in the immediate area, its range, speed and direction, and whether it might be close enough to get a good shot at it.
Geiger Encounter — Since Fukushima, you’ll want to know radiation levels in the air, water, and food you eat. This app will identify elements like cesium-137, iodine 131, strontium 90, and the most deadly substance of all (after testosterone), plutonium.
Truth Out — Using voice stress analysis techniques, it will tell you when a politician is actually telling the truth.
Soup Stock — You can point the camera of your smart phone into the cupboard and it will tell you how many cans of soup you have left. Otherwise, how would you know?
Shop Rite — A must for your next trip to the supermarket. When you’re in produce, for example, it will tell you “produce,” and the same for meat, dairy, health, and so on. That way you always know where you are.
Next — If you’re constantly texting or tweeting everything that pops into your mind, it’s easy to lost track of who you haven’t contacted in the last thirty minutes. This app will keep you up to date, so no one’s feelings are hurt.
Look Out! — While you’re texting or tweeting everything that pops into your mind, this app alerts you when you’re about to walk into an open manhole, a fountain at the mall, or an escaped bear, thereby avoiding possible serious injury. Very handy.
De-insertion — This valuable app will help someone remove their head from their ass. The problem is that most people in this condition aren’t aware of it. You can point your device at them and they’re sure to thank you for it. I plan to use this one a lot.
Concert — It will show you how to watch a live concert through the screen on your mobile device, while recording it for later viewing. Oh, I guess everyone already figured that out.
Private Parts — Now you can find out how much of your personal and private information you’ve already freely surrendered to Google, Facebook, Amazon, and the banking and retail sector. Remember all the times you clicked “I agree” without reading the fine print? You should be sitting down when you use this app.
Denature — This one will occasionally pop up images of forests, ocean beaches, blue skies and butterflies, in case you’ve forgotten what they look like. It will also provide hours of pleasure to show your grandchildren (presuming we still have electricity), when there are no more forests, ocean beaches, blue skies or butterflies. Can be disabled.
Pile — You can use this one to predict, with a high level of accuracy, which pile of old cell phones and computers in China your phone will end up in, after your next upgrade. It will also give the probable number of small children playing on or around it.
Mine — The app will inform you, in cubic feet, how much of the Earth had to be dug up in order to extract the rare metals in the mobile device you’re using right now. Also in metric.
Extinction — For nature lovers especially, it will give a loud BEEP! Each time another species has become extinct due to human activity. Photo, genus and species name provided.
Check-in — Your device will alert you when you haven’t used it for five minutes. Time to check in with somebody or something. You don’t want to have to be all alone with nothing but your thoughts, do you?
Self-same — It allows you to create a cyber version of yourself, to check in while you’re asleep or in the bathroom. It’s like an automatic pilot, and will prevent Check-in from waking you up in the middle of the night.
Time keeps on slippin’ — this app records all your online usage in real time (well, as real as anything else in the digital universe), with constant updates. That way you can stay up to date as to how much of your life you’ve pissed away sucking on all these pacifiers.