The Baker’s Tale
There was once a man named Baker, who was a baker. He made cakes and cookies, sweet rolls, pies, and torts of all kinds. And the ruler of his land passed a law whereby merchants could express their religious freedoms by denying service to others, citing injury or offense to said religious beliefs. And it came to pass that one day two men came unto the shop, who were known to lieth with each other as a man lieth with a woman, and they wanted to order a cake for their wedding. “I’m sorry,” said the baker, “but my religion forbids me from in any way participating in this ceremony. You will have to go elsewhere.” The men left the shop.
Soon, a woman came unto the shop to order a birthday cake for her son. But the baker saw that her head was uncovered, as directed in both the Old and New Testaments. “Go away and cover yourself!” shouted the baker, and the woman left in deep confusion.
And after that came in another woman, younger, and wearing jeans and tank top. “I’m sorry, young lady,” said the baker, “but I cannot serve you.”
“Why not?” she asked.
“Deuteronomy 22:15: ‘The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man,’ “ he replied. “It’s just not right.”
“You’ve got to be kidding,” she said.
“I’m afraid not.”
And it then came to pass yet again that yet another woman came unto the shop, wearing a hat and long dress. “I’d like to buy some cupcakes,” she said.
“Excuse me, Madam,” said the baker, “but if you have an issue, and your issue in your flesh be blood . . .”
“What the hell are you talking about?” asked the lady.
“I mean, you’re not on your period, are you? If you are, you need to be at home.”
“Well, I never!” cried the woman, and stormed out in a great huff.
And not long thereafter entered a young hipster with a tattoo upon his neck, with a faint odor of the forbidden weed about him. “Hey, man, what you got for the munchies?”
The baker looked him up and down, then said: “Leviticus 19:28: ‘Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, not print any marks upon you.’ You’ll have to leave.”
“What the hell, man? Like, you’re not the only bakery in town.” And he left the shop.
And then it came to pass that another man came unto the shop, for a loaf of French bread. The baker sized him up, then asked: “That shirt you’re wearing, it’s a polyester blend, isn’t it?”
“Yes it is,” the man answered, “Is that a problem?”
“I cannot serve you. You are wearing a cloth made of two different fabrics. It is forbidden. Sorry.”
The man made an off-color Italian hand gesture, and he, too, left..
It then came to pass that an older, well dressed man came unto the shop. He had a small birthmark on his cheek. “Sorry,” the baker said as he rushed up to him, “I can’t do a thing for you. It’s the birthmark, you see.”
“So what?” asked the man. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach; a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or . . .”
“Okay, okay, you crazy old bastard,” said the man. “I’m leaving.”
The baker continued as the man walked out: “Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or his stones broken . . .”
It so happened that Jimmy Kilmer came unto the shop. Jimmy was the star high school quarterback, and the most popular boy in town. “Hey, Mr. Baker, any fresh cookies today?”
“I’m sorry, Jimmy,” said the baker, “I can’t sell you anything.”
“Why not?” asked Jimmy.
“As quarterback of the football team you handle the skin of a pig, and the swine, because it divideth the hoof, yet cheweth not the cud, it is uclean unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, nor touch their dead carcase. It’s nothing personal.”
And so it came to pass that soon, the baker was near bankruptcy and ruin, and sat on the steps outside his shop, with his head in his hands. And who should then appear, but those same two men who lieth with one another as a man lieth with a woman, and they said unto the baker: “It looks like business has been bad for you lately. We’re still interested in that wedding cake.”
And the baker looked up at them and said: “Why would you want to do business with me after the way I treated you? There are plenty of other bakeries in the city.”
And they answered: “We’re Christians. Our religion teaches forgiveness.”