Beware of GOD!

Beware of GOD!

     That’s a sign in my front yard. No, I’m not dyslexic (thank dog), and I’m not afraid of God, either. It’s God-fearing people that make me nervous. They’re a menace to free-thinking people everywhere. Separation of church and state is not only to guarantee freedom of religion – – INCLUDING MUSLIMS! – – but also freedom FROM it. Real Christians, and I know many, are good and loving people who try to follow the precepts of Jesus. I don’t have a problem with them. I’m talking about you nut-balls, whackos, Jesus freaks & Bible jocks who keep telling us how to live and what to think.
     Leave people the Hell alone! If you want to believe in talking snakes and some old white fart floating around the sky, go ahead. As for myself, I believe in science, art (no matter how offensive it is to you), evolution, science, and gravity. The problem is you don’t want to leave us alone. You’d like the Old Testament to be the foundation of government, not the U.S. Constitution. That makes you dangerous.
     Why are you so freaked out about the gays? What do you care if two guys want to butt-fuck each other? It’s none of your business! Got a few unresolved sexual issues, do you? Oh, I know. Leviticus 18:22, and again in 20:13. I need to inform you that the Bible is not a cafeteria. You don’t get to stroll through the Leviticus Buffet and pick out whatever you want, leaving the rest. If you take the admonitions against gays (you’re supposed to stone them, I think), then you also have to take all the other stuff. You must stone your child for disobedience, your neighbor for planting two different crops next to each other, or your best friend for wearing a shirt made of two fabrics. Also, no pork, shellfish, or anything that creepeth on the ground. By the way, in the New Testament (you may have heard of it) Jesus never said a single word against homoSEXuals.
     What really gets your knickers in a twist, though, is abortion. You’ve really got your sights trained on that, don’t you? I wonder, is it maybe that you’re terrified that the imminent return of Jesus might be canceled by someone exercising their constitutional rights? I’m against abortion too, except maybe for Republicans, as it means more Republicans. Rape, incest, health of the mother are obvious exceptions. That’s not good enough for you, though. If you feel that strongly, why don’t you offer to adopt the child if the mother doesn’t want to keep it? I have an even better idea. Why don’t you put your wombs where your mouth is. Have a doctor extract the fertilized egg, put it in a turkey-baster, and shove that little sonofabitch right up your cooter. Go on, get it way on up in there, now. There you go. Then carry the child to term, birth it, raise it, and send it to school and on to college. Better count on spending at least a quarter of a million or so. If you’re not willing to do that, then shut the hell up!
     God speaks to you, doesn’t He? He spoke to George W. Bush, too, telling him to invade Iraq. Maybe He told Jim Jones to have all those people drink that kool-aid, too. Well, I have news for you. You are not the only ones to whom God speaks. Why, just the other day He was telling me that in the 15 billion years since He began the creation, you people are by far His biggest disappointment and embarrassment. He added that He has been trying constantly to tell you this Himself, but He can’t seem to get through.
     This wave of anti-science, anti-intellectualism is more than disturbing. Do you really NOT believe in evolution? Are you kidding me? Well, perhaps you’re right. As I look around, people in this country seem to be DE-volving. Should we all set our clocks back 300 years, before the scientific revolution and the Enlightenment? This all reminds me of one of the classic films, “Inherit the Wind”. It was about the Scopes trial. In Tennessee in 1925, a high school teacher named John Scopes was fired for teaching evolution. It became the trial of the century, pitting two of the greatest legal minds of their time against each other. Clarence Darrow represented Mr. Scopes, and William Jennings Bryan, the prosecution. Bryan had been a two-time presidential candidate, and lost to William Howard Taft in 1908. He was called “the prophet of the plains” (I think he was from Nebraska).
     In the film, the Darrow character was named Henry Drummond, and was played by Spencer Tracy. In his closing statement, knowing he’s probably lost the case, he speaks out forcefully against fundamentalism: “ . . . and soon, your Honor, with banners flying, and drums beating, we’ll be marching backwards, BACKWARDS to those glorious ages of the 16th Century, when bigots burned a man who dared to bring enlightenment to the human mind.”
     That was 86 years ago, yet here we are, still! Frank Schaeffer, author of CRAZY FOR GOD, has some advice for this American version of the Taliban (Come on, admit it; you’d love to put women in those beekeeper outfits, wouldn’t you?). But I digress. Schaeffer said they should go wait on some hilltop for their Jesus, and let the rest of us get on with our lives. I think that’s an excellent idea.
     Wait, I’m not finished yet. First, I want “In God We Trust” removed from all our money – – it doesn’t belong there. Then I want the words “under God” removed from the Pledge. It was only added in 1954 during the McCarthy ‘red’ scare. Those cheap plastic Nativity scenes made in China? Okay with me. Put ‘em outside on the courthouse lawn, I don’t care. Christmas has nothing to do with religion anyway, it’s a secular holiday. The offices of Senate & House Chaplains need to be abolished,too. There’s no more room for prayer in the halls of Congress than there is in the public schools. By the way, get all those goddamned Bibles out of the courtrooms. We don’t go by Old Testament law in our justice system. No more politicians taking their oath of office on a Bible, either. The oath is to protect and defend the U.S. Constitution, and that’s the document they should swear their oaths on. What the Hell is the matter with you people, anyway?
     This country wasn’t founded as a Christian nation; get that through your heads. Aside from John Adams and Patrick Henry, the Founders were mostly deists or Unitarians. Maybe that’s why ‘God” isn’t mentioned ONCE in the Constitution. And
read the New Testament, for Christ’s sake!

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