Welcome to Birdsville!
(This week’s post goes out to sister punster Janet)
Good to see ya! Wren did you get here? Did you fly in, or come by rail? Came here on a lark, did you? My name is Drake Mallard — the duck stops here, as they say, ha-ha. Let me show you around town. We have a nice little community here. Nobody’s going to come up and start pecking on you. Our big industry is the petrel chemical factory just outside of town. See the smoke puffin up over there? They erne a good wage, too. Things have sure been busy, lately. The town council just passed a law permitting birds not of a feather to flock together, so the tourist traffic has picked up. Merchants are hawking souvenirs, and worm prices are high, but you’ll get a better deal on the underground market. Do you see those loudspeakers along the street? Sometimes we pipe in or – kestrel music for fairs, parades, and such.
Are you thirsty? We drink Avian bottled water here, the tap water is a little on the bittern side. If you need a place to roost, or just to preen yourself, Ma’s Nest still has a few perches available. Just tern left at the corner and look for the teal house. Ring the buzzard and someone will let you in. If the bugs are bad, they’ll get you a flycatcher. They’ll sparrow no expense to make your stay comfortable.
You really missed the excitement yesterday. Some guy was caught robin a bank. He had a ptarmigan and had fired several partridges. He’ll be cooped up for a spell. We have a “three shrikes and you’re out” law here. Then again, they might just stick him in the nuthatch. Eider way, he won’t be doing much free ranging for awhile, not a flicker of a doubt about that. Poor Will — that’s his name — I hope they can whip him into shape.
Oh, see that building over there? That’s the town library. We have all kinds of books, like To Kill a Mockingbird, Bullfinch’s Mythology, and all that, and of course authors like Jonathan Swift, Stephen Crane, and Stephen Hawking. There are lots of movies you can rent too, like “The Owl and the Pussycat,” “Bye Bye Birdie,” “The Maltese Falcon,” “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest,” “The Birdman of Alcatraz,” and “Duck Soup,” They have a good selection of music, too. Everything from Chick Corea and Charlie Bird, for jazz fans, to the Dixie Chicks. But there are plenty of classics, too, like Merle Haggard, The Byrds, and The Eagles. Paul McCartney and Wings is okay, too. On Fridays they have poultry readings.
Excuse me for a minute, I’ve got to use the newspapers. I’ll be right back.
“Hey, buddy! Psst — over here. Hey, how ya doin? Ya wanna get a thrush of excitement? I got a nice lingerie catalog, here. Bird-themed, naturally. Here, check this out — “Victoria’s Egret.” Man, there’s lots of nice tail in there. You should have seen last month’s plover girl. Oh, sorry, didn’t mean to make you feel weird. It’s okay, don’t worry. Only adult birds, and no peacocks or bushtits. Otherwise the old hens at the Ladies’ Auk-zillary would grouse at us. Here, take a gander at this pink flamingo on page 19. Ever see plumage like that? Yeah, you’d like to pluck that, wouldn’t you? Only five bills and it’s yours. That’s okay, I’ll be around if you change your mind.”
Hey, go fly a kite, bufflehead! Sorry about that. It’s just Martin, sort of the town loon. He’s not too swift, but he’s harmless, the old coot. Anyway, if you look up the street you’ll see our local hangout, Le Cog auv Inn. You can have a nice cockatiel while you throw darters. There’s always plenty in the feeder, too, like oriole cookies and kiwi fruit, or Dove chocolate. More than you can swallow, but you might want to take some home for the kids. Right next to that is the general store. They have a special on mite powder this week — toucans for a dollar.
Over there is the church. Cardinal Bobwhite will conduct the services this evening. Fledglings, let osprey. And next to that is the local radio station. I think the Don Ibis show is on right now. Down the street is the hospital. They’ve got a sick woodpecker in there now. They think it was probably that piliate.
There you see one of the local artists, sculpin a statue of something. I can make out a peregrine eyes, but the whole thing looks like a pile of junco to me. He’s done some nice stuff, so maybe he can pullet off this time, too. Owlet you know what I think when he’s finished.
Tomorrow at the school is the monthly PTA meeting. That’s the Parrot Teachers Association. We have the same problems with our young, too. Fowl-mouthed young tanagers hanging around, tweeting each other all day, getting the young gulls in trouble. We want to give them some adult role models to emu-late. Willet make any difference, we’ll have to wait and seed.
I hope you can stick around till tomorrow. The town is putting on our version of the Shakespeare tragedy, “Omelet,” starling Peter Finch, Nicholas Cage, and Russell Crowe. Who can forget the famous “To beak or not to beak” soliloquoy? The critics have been raven about it, but there are still some cheep seats available.
Well, I hope that’ll get you started. Have a pheasant stay!