No Boy Scout

No Boy Scout

by Professor Earnest Prankheimer

    You know the old expression about a shady guy: “He’s no boy scout.” So the Pestilence of the United States, who’s no boy scout, spoke July 24th at the National Boy Scout Jamboree. This year’s event was held at the Summit Bechtel Family National Scout Reserve at Hope, WV. I assume it’s similar to the nation’s oil and gas reserves, where we store Boy Scouts in reserve in case we need them later. Surely at such an occasion, for once he would show some modicum of dignity and respect, if not for his office, then at least for the impressionable young minds in his audience. Of course not! I was just messin’ with ya.
    He opened his remarks by saying, “Who the hell [please watch your language, sir] wants to speak about politics in front of the Boy Scouts? Right?” He then proceeded to go on a political rant trashing the Democrats and fake news, and of course reminding everyone of his election win: “But do you remember that incredible night with the maps, and the Republicans are red and the Democrats are blue, and that map was so red, it was unbelievable, and they don’t know what to say.” Since the scouts are teenagers and ineligible to vote, they probably don’t remember that night like he does.
    “Boy, you have a lot of people here. The press will say it’s about 200. It looks like about 45,000 people. You set a record today,” he said inaccurately, though he was close to the number of 40,000. I myself was at the National Boy Scout Jamboree at Colorado Springs in 1960, and we had 50,000 scouts there, which at the time, was a record. He went on about the Scout Law: “A scout is trustworthy, loyal — we could use some more loyalty, I will tell you that.” It wasn’t clear whether he was referring to Senate Republicans holding out on the health care vote, his staff leaking to the press, or his attacks on Attorney General Sessions for recusing himself from the Russia investigation. Since he brought up the Scout Law, let me go over it for you. “A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. I want to examine each of these qualities, and see if this orange clown comes within light years of any of them.
    Trustworthy — You can ask the LGBTQ community. During the campaign he said he would fight for them. On Thursday, July 27th, he tweeted that transgender people would no longer be allowed to serve in the military. He did this without consulting anyone in the Defense Dept. Trustworthy? Would you buy a used car from this man?
    Loyal — No one is more loyal to Trump than Jeff Sessions, who was the first Republican Senator to endorse him. And even as Trump has called him weak and beleaguered, Sessions has remained loyal. You have no idea how much it hurts me to admit anything good about him.
    Helpful — Who has he ever helped, besides himself? Who? Name one person.
    Friendly, courteous, and kind — Alright, he has been all these things whenever he’s met with autocrat rulers like Saudi King Salman, Putin, and Turkey’s Erdogan. I can’t think of anyone else, though.
    Obedient — You mean, like, to the Constitution, on which he took an oath to preserve and protect? This double ass hat has never had to obey anyone in his life. And he doesn’t seem eager to obey nearly any of the 63 million who voted for him. He couldn’t give a shit less.
    Cheerful — See above under friendly, courteous, and kind.
    Thrifty — Yeah, right. He burned through $50 million his father gave (or lent) him, by the time he was 35. He’s so thrifty no U.S. bank will have anything to do with him.
    Brave — During the Vietnam war, when he was eligible for the draft, he got five deferments for bone spurs in his heel, which don’t seem to bother him now. I’d say ‘heel’ is the operative word here.
    Clean — I don’t know about his personal hygiene, but financially, legally, and morally, he appears to be pretty filthy.
    Reverent — Finally, a hit. He reveres power, and using it to bend others to his will.

    To further buttress my argument that the Pestilence is anything but a boy scout, here’s the Scout Oath: “On my honor, I will do my best, to do my duty to God and my country, to obey the Scout Law, to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight.” Physically strong? Have you looked at this fat ass? He looks like Jabba the Hutt. Mentally awake? I don’t think the pilot light is even on. He can’t even form a coherent sentence. And as for morally straight, I’ve never in my life seen a more immoral excuse for a human being.
    Let’s not forget the Scout Motto: Be prepared. No one has ever been less prepared to lead a nation, except perhaps the aptly named Anglo-Saxon king, Ethelred the Unready. Since he took office, he’s shown no leadership qualities whatsoever, because he has no idea what the hell he’s doing. He never wanted to be President; now he and we are stuck with it.
    Unfortunately, he went on: “And by the way, under the Trump Administration, you’ll be saying ‘Merry Christmas’ again when you go shopping, believe me. ‘Merry Christmas.’ They’ve been downplaying that little beautiful phrase.” That’s highly likely, since it was late July.
    He described the scene in Washington D.C.: “Today, I said, we ought to change it from the word ‘swamp’ to the word ‘cesspool’ or, perhaps, to the word ‘sewer.’ Well, those last two words are better, but I think he’s forgetting that he’s the head alligator in that sewer.
    “By the way, just a question, did President Obama ever come to a jamboree?” he asked. No, but he did send a video message, so I guess you win that one, Mr. Pestilence.
    Then he launched into a long, rambling story of a guy who got rich, sold his company and bought a yacht and partied, and lost his momentum. “You have to know whether or not you continue to have the momentum  . . . and if you don’t have it, that’s okay.” Oh, good, then. So momentum isn’t that important, after all. I’m sure all the teenage boys in the crowd loved to hear a post-WWII yarn about yachts and riches. Better they should read The Great Gatsby. And I wouldn’t be talking about momentum at all, if I were him. He is and always will be the little engine that couldn’t.

    The speech drew criticism from far and wide. It put the President of the Boy Scouts of America, Randall L. Stephenson, in a tight spot. He is also Chairman, CEO, and President of AT&T, which is government approval for its $84 billion merger with Time/Warner (parent company of the “fake news” CNN). So the official apology was posted on the BSA website by the Chief Executive, Michael Surbaugh: “I want to extend my sincerest apologies to those in our Scouting family who were offended by the political rhetoric that was inserted into the jamboree.” It’s the first time in American history that the Boy Scouts of America has had to apologize for a speech by a President. While the organization is fairly socially conservative, it has always tried to avoid partisan politics.
    I spent four years in the Boy Scouts, and as a former Scout I was offended by the speech. But then, this raving jackass has offended me every time he’s opened his mouth. The Scout experience was a great one for me. I earned merit badges in Electricity, Cooking, Astronomy, and I can’t recall the other one. I don’t how much the Scouts have changed over the years; maybe they have merit badges for fracking now. Don’t kid yourself, though. All that knot tying and woodcraft is fine, but basically, this is a top-down, religious paramilitary organization. They wear uniforms, salute, play “Revelle” at oh-dark-thirty a.m., and include God in their Oath. It’s like the American version of the Hitler Youth Corps. Its purpose is to instill in its young men proper respect for authority and military thinking.
    The Boy Scouts of America has been chilly towards acceptance of gay and transgendered people, but at least they’re not as tone deaf as they used to be. When I was at scout camp in the late 1950s, we sang songs like “Darkie Sunday School,” and thought nothing of it. We also had another campfire favorite, not exactly PC either, that went like this: “Heap big smoke but no fire, heap big smoke but no fire, him talk lot but him not so hot, him heap big smoke but no fire.” Say, that does sound like a certain blow-dried blowhard, doesn’t it?

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