A Braying of Jackasses

A Braying of Jackasses

    The silly season is well underway again. It seems the last season just ended, but that was 2012. The clown cavalcade of candidates running for the Republican nomination has swollen to seventeen, and there are still fifteen months until the election. First I want to clarify some faulty imagery: the symbols for the two parties are bass-ackward. The donkey signifies stubbornness, and there may be no political party in our history more stubborn and resistant to compromise than the modern Republican Party. The elephant is even more inappropriate for them. Elephants are highly intelligent and social animals, and Republicans are both rigidly anti-intellectual and antisocial, especially considering the primary definition of the latter: hostile to the well-being of society.
    Bang! And the candidates are out of the gate, sprinting to the far right to appease their slavering troglodyte base. Next year the eventual nominee will then have to sprint back to the center as quickly as possible, to gain the independent votes. I have been painstakingly gathering the recent blatherings of these creatures to give you, the reader, a handy reference guide to what each candidate is saying they believe. You should understand that only three or four of them are really running for President; the rest are merely hustlers, and are only in the race to pump up their book contracts and speaking fees. There’s no reason to cover them all, so I will omit the bottom feeders.
    Of Donald Trump I could say most, but I already have, in last month’s post, “Trump Hairpiece Enters Race.” So although he continues to dominate the news cycle while insulting nearly everyone, let us do what the Party wishes it could do, and dispense with him.
    Dr. Ben Carson is a neurologist, and most likely to be involuntarily committed to a hospital for the floridly insane. He urges us to pick up the baton of freedom and fight for it. He claims to be the only candidate who has successfully separated Siamese twins, and I have no reason to doubt him. As for Obama’s order banning torture, Dr. (“First do no harm”) Carson suggests that what we do to get information shouldn’t be shared, since there is no such thing as political correctness in war. Oh, and he’s black. If you think the Republican Party is going to nominate a black man, you must be smoking butt crack.
    Carly Fiorina is the former CEO of Hewlett Packard. Under her stewardship they laid off 18,000 workers, and their stock declined by 47%. After she was forced out it took her four years to settle her debts to former staff and paid consultants. Besides, she’s a woman, and if Republicans hate black people, they absolutely detest women. If you don’t believe me, read their Bible. Forget about Carly, though she’s one of the most coherent of the bunch.
    Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal’s real first name is Piyush, which tells me he doesn’t have the courage to own up to his own cultural heritage. His slogan “It’s time to believe in America again” doesn’t resonate when it sounds like it’s coming from Kermit the frog. He may curry favor with the fossil fool industry, but this particular East Indian dish is definitely not authentic cuisine.
    Mike Huckabee has gotten fat rich by running for President. He’s a former preacher and present Christo-fascist. “The purpose of the military is killing people and breaking things,” he said a few weeks ago. He’s a master of hyperbole, as we see in two recent statements, one about the made-up Planned Parenthood scandal: “They rip out [the fetus’] body parts and sell ‘em like they were parts to a Buick.” The other wins the Hyperbole Award outright, in talking about the deal with Iran: “We got nothing!” He went on to say it would “march the Israelis to the doors of the ovens.” But he doesn’t play well with the center.
    Texas Senator Ted Cruz is a legitimate contender for Huckabee’s hyperbole golden belt, and if you look up ‘ideologue’ in your dictionary there’s probably a picture of him. Earlier this month he made a video to cozy up to the NRA crowd. “This is how we make bacon in Texas,” he said as he wrapped a slice around the barrel of an AR-15, fired off a magazine to get the barrel hot enough, then ate it. On the first day as President, he would rescind every one of Obama’s executive orders, then Obamacare, and then cancel the Iran deal. He comes off as a dumb-ass, but he’s smarter than he looks, which is a little too much like Sen. Joe McCarthy. “The American people need someone who tells the truth,” he says. Well, that leaves you out, Senator.
    Florida Senator Marco Rubio is considered by many (who may have had too many martinis at lunch) to be a legitimate contender. He’s young, handsome, and all that, but he still has that deer in the headlights look. He’s an empty suit whose statements lack any weight.
    Ohio Governor John Kasich (and former Fox News commentator) tried to gut the unions in his state, until a citizens’ referendum overturned it. Next to the others, he actually seems moderate, but in the first GOP debate on Aug. 6th he said of course he’d still love his daughter, even if she was gay, and that we can love people that we disagree with. This open display of humanity should be enough to sink his campaign like the Lusitania, but maybe not.
    Oh, did I forget former Texas Governor Rick Perry? You can, too. God, though, doesn’t he look great? Like a movie star. A movie star with no discernible brain activity. Who would have thought anyone, let alone a fellow Texan, could make George W. Bush look like a Rhodes scholar? He added glasses to make him look smart, like you’d put lipstick on a pig. But in that first debate he referred to the God of the Party as Ronald Raven. Oh, my, God.
    Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush has a very good chance of ending up in the semi-finals. He’s got a lot of money behind him, to say nothing of his dynastic heritage. The logo “Jeb!” suggests he’d rather we not remember his last name. Alright, on three, everybody forget his last name: One . . . two . . . I didn’t think so. He’s jumped onto the witch hunt against Planned Parenthood, too, very popular these days. He was caught on tape earlier this month at a town hall in New Hampshire, saying women’s health was over-funded, and that the $500 million annually funded to the organization is “unfathomable.”
    He has also said he doesn’t think the federal government should fund public education, either. He was caught on tape again recently, this time at an Americans for Prosperity rally, where he said: “We need to figure out a way to phase out this program (Medicare).” The AFP is primarily funded by the fabulous furry fascist Koch brothers, though they’ve got their eyes (and money) on another horse. He wants to “embrace the energy revolution,” which is code for “Drill, baby, drill!” It’s when he tries to blame ISIS on Obama that he looks weakest. He blames him for pulling the troops from Iraq too early, when that departure date had been set by his idiot brother, the same guy who lied us into the war in the first place! He also fails to mention that Obama and the State Department tried to extend the deadline for pullout, and the Iraqi government said no, get the hell out. Americans may be stupid, but I doubt they’re that stupid.
    And now meet the Republican nominee, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. He’s the show pony the Koch’s are investing in. Remember, they somewhat arrogantly announced this spring they would be putting $889 million into next year’s election. Most of it will be to back their little bitch boy. Walker has the mentality and temperament of Richard Nixon. He’s been involved in chicanery since his school days, when he ran for student body president and the local newspaper endorsed his opponent. He hired guys to buy up all the papers and destroy them. You know, put a quarter in the machine, it opens, and you take the whole stack. Let’s take a closer look at what he’s done to the state of Wisconsin.
    When he entered the office of Governor, he promised to create 250,000 new jobs, but the state currently ranks 35th in that area. He’s given tax cuts to large corporations and the wealthy, while cutting millions from education, the Dept. of Natural Resources, and other agencies. He’s attacked unions, and a state historically known for strong labor is now a right-to-work (for less) state. Those who need unemployment or food stamps are required to take a drug test. He’s also rolled back abortion rights, and now a woman wishing to have one must submit herself to trans-vaginal state sanctioned rape. He said he thinks the technology is “really cool.” He’s cut social programs like Medicaid, saying it will help the economy. At that first debate, he mentioned he was an Eagle Scout. Excuse me, Governor, but I was also in Boy Scouts, and as I recall the emphasis was on things like helping old ladies across the street, not pushing them in front of busses. I plan to devote a column to this guy, because Americans need to know how dangerous this little rodent is. If you doubt it, consider his answer in the first debate to the question would he really let a woman die just to save the fetus? He said that’s an unborn baby who needs our protection, then babbled some lame palliative about other methods to protect the mother.
    As you watch these “debates,” which are actually beauty pageants, you’ll hear the same song from them all: cut taxes, repeal Obamacare, kill the Iran deal, roll back regulations stifling “small” business, gut the rights of workers and women, and the unholy trinity — God, gays, and guns. You will not hear anything about the serious issues: climate change, student loan debt, or the big one — obscene wealth and income inequality — because they don’t give a damn about any of that. Why should they? They’re getting fabulously rich by selling democracy to the billionaires. They have absolutely nothing to offer average working people, so they belch out wedge issues like red meat to their base. They do know something about human nature that the Democrats haven’t figured out yet; people are more easily swayed by emotion than reason.

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