Corporations R People 2!
Remember that old Barbra Streisand classic, “Corporations, corporations who need corporations, are the luckiest corporations in the world . . . “? You don’t remember that one? Me neither. But the Supreme Court has said they’re people, in a number of rulings. It goes back to 1886 with Santa Clara Co. v Southern Pacific Railroad, and even then the Court didn’t rule that way; it was the head note by the Court Clerk that did, and future rulings used it as precedent.
Very well, then. Corporations should be bound by the same rules as other persons as the equal protection clause in the 14th Amendment says. It basically states that no person or group can be treated differently than other persons or groups. We’re all entitled to the same protection under the law. Corporations have been fined for breaking the law; they should also serve jail time if the offense “warrants” it. For the duration of the sentence the corporation would not be allowed to conduct any kind of business. However, it could communicate with other persons, human or otherwise. It could even have conjugal visits on Sundays and holidays.
If the corporation is responsible for murder – – as was Massey Energy in the deaths of 29 miners last year – – it could suffer the death penalty; the corporation would be dissolved.
No special tax breaks, either. And they have to pay Social Security and Medicare taxes like everyone else. They should consider registering on internet dating services; people might be interested in dating a corporation, and see how things work out. They should be required to take a drug test if their business involves the airline or travel industry, security, credit, or public health. I want them to take blood tests, pap smears, mammograms, and most of all, prostate exams. I will be happy to conduct the latter personally.
If corporations are people, then aren’t the stockholders slave owners? Or take the case of NewsCorp, which owns the New York Post, The Wall Street Journal, and Fox News. NewsCorp is a slave owner, as is its CEO, Rupert Murdoch. Rupert, it is illegal to own slaves – – you’re under arrest. We must FREE the corporations! Mobs of angry abolitionists, armed with torches and pitchforks, storming corporate HQs and board rooms to liberate these hapless legal constructs. Then make them all go to school, like we had to. And if they don’t eat their Brussels sprouts, no TV.
What sex is a corporation? We need to determine the gender of them all, so that two male corporations could only form a merger in those states allowing same-sex marriage. Of course, mergers of more than two would violate polygamy laws. And before any merger can take place, the parties must obtain a marriage license from the County Auditor.
Corporations could not only register to vote, they could run for public office, and that includes the Presidency of the United States.
All of this is small potatoes, though, compared to the big question: can a legal entity be saved? Have they accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior? This is important – – their immortal souls are in danger of perdition, tribulation, and downright damnation. Evangelists, you’ve got even more souls to save now. But the best is yet to come. After they’ve met JEE-sus, they’ll have to follow His teaching. You know, where He said if you want to follow Him you must give away everything you own. I can’t wait to see that!
No, wait. I’ve got a better idea. Don’t try to convert them; leave them alone. That way, when the time comes for me to shuck this mortal coil, to go gently into that good night, to follow the Great White Light, I’ll be comforted. Yes, comforted to know that someday – – Exxon-Mobil, BP, Monsanto, Dow Chemical, Goldman-Sachs, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, ALEC, Koch Industries, Halliburton, Fox News, the Ku Klux Klan, the Justin Bieber Fan Club, and all the rest – – are going to burn in Hell.