Dirty Lazy Poor People

    I was writing this post when my steamed colleague, Prof. Prankheimer, burst in saying I was light-footin’ it, and that he’d better take over.  Since I’ve always found his perspective to be indefensible, I mean indispensable, I’ll bow to his wisdom.


Dirty Lazy Poor People

by Earnest Prankheimer

    Just look at all these poor people.  What’s the matter with them, anyway?  They should get a job, right after they take a bath.[1]  But they don’t really want a job, or they’d go out and get one.  They just want to suck off the government teat, the lazy bastards.  They want everything given to them.  Did you know that 69% of the so-called poor have color TV?  And 96% have refrigerators and indoor plumbing.[2]  You call that poor?
    You poor people, what happened to your bootstraps?  Did you sell them for money to buy drugs or alcohol?  How do you think rich people got so rich?  It wasn’t by sitting around on their asses all day watching TV and waiting for their welfare checks.  No, they went out and worked hard every day and twice on Sundays.  And they had to walk five miles through heavy snow to work, and it was uphill both ways.  It had nothing to do with inheriting millions of dollars from their parents.
    Dirty, lazy poor people.  When Hurricane Katrina hit, they all could have gotten into their cars and driven away to safety.[3]  But no, they stayed behind so they could loot and steal, and wait for government handouts.  Then, when the New Orleans Superdome was full and they were driven to the Houston Astrodome, they still kept complaining, even though they were poor anyway and this was working out for them.[4]   Later on, they even bitched that the FEMA trailers provided for them were full of hazardous materials!  There’s just no pleasing these people.
    I don’t want to hear about all those folks whose homes have been foreclosed, either.  Why, these poor people are to blame for the housing crisis!  Some schmuck with bad credit should have done the responsible thing and turned down the only chance he and his family would ever get to have a home of their own.  These people should have done their homework, then they’d have known the banks were lying to them putting them into a sub-prime loan, with balloon payments, they’d have known they qualified for a low-interest prime loan.  It’s their own fault.
    Next you’ll be telling me to feel sorry for all the people who got taken in by Ponzi schemes or other financial scams.  It’s their fault for not having a degree in Economics.  Don’t blame the big banks; don’t blame Wall Street.  If you can’t find a job, and you’re not rich, blame yourself![5]  You know what else?  It’s poor people’s fault that the nation is so deeply in debt.  All this government spending for heating bill assistance for low-incomes, food stamps, programs to feed children at school.  It has to stop before we are bankrupt.  Unemployment benefits?  I’m opposed to the government giving people money for doing nothing.[6]  Entitlement reform is the biggest handout of all.  Did you know that Socialist Security, Medicare, & Medicaid  payments make up 198% of our budget?  No wonder the national debt is eleventy kazillion dollars.  But these people think that just because they paid into these programs out of each paycheck their whole working life, that they are somehow ‘entitled’ to receive some kind of benefit.  The nerve!
    The homeless?  Why, they’re the worst of all.  It’s obvious that they aren’t even trying.  I mean, how do you expect to get a job interview dressed like that?  Hell, they don’t even have a phone number or address so you could contact them.  So they are clearly not even trying.  Oh, it’s so sad you were born in some shantytown or ghetto and your father left when you were a baby and your mother has a bad drug problem.  Those are excuses for not getting into Harvard Law School, not reasons.
    Poor people are just like stray animals; if you keep feeding they’ll come back and they’ll multiply.[7]  That’s the real reason there are so many poor people, not that the economy is bad.   They’re brutish, of low birth, dull-witted, and downright immoral.[8]   We need to deal with these dirty, lazy poor people.  Bring back the debtors’ prisons.  Not only would we get these people off the streets, but they could be put to work as prison labor, and finally contributing to society.  This would save business billions of dollars a year, which of course they would pump back into the economy.  If that doesn’t work, then maybe we’ll have to come up with some kind of final solution.  These dirty, lazy poor people need a shower, anyway.

[1] Newt Gingrich
[2] Fox News
[3] Fox News
[4] First Lady, Barbara Bush
[5] Herman Cain
[6] Newt Gingrich
[7] Rep. Paul Broun (R-GA)
[8] Ayn Rand
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