Don’t Laugh at Jeff Sessions
“Woman Arrested After Laughing In Sessions Hearing,” ran the headline. It was Jan. 10th, at the Senate confirmation hearing for Attorney General nominee Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-AL. There were many protesters in the gallery, and several from Code Pink in pink Lady Liberty costumes. One of them was Desiree Fairooz, age 61, a decades-long activist. Sen. Richard Shelby (also R-AL) was giving an introductory statement, and when he mentioned that Sessions’ record of “treating all Americans equally under the law is clear and well-documented,” she laughed. A rookie female cop who had never worked a congressional hearing asked her to “Please come with me,” Desiree cried out in protest and held up a sign: “Support Civil Rights: Stop Sessions.” Two people had donned Klan robes in mock support for the nominee, while others shouted that he was a pig and a white nationalist. Capitol Police made 25 arrests that day.
Let me provide some context. Jeffrey Beauregard Sessions III has a long record of bigotry and racism. As Alabama Attorney General he’d called a black attorney “boy,” and had said he thought the KKK was okay until he learned some of them smoked pot. Later he said it was a joke. Recently he actually said “Good people don’t smoke marijuana.” In 1986 another Senate hearing denied him a federal judgeship due to his blatant racism. Desiree Fairooz was in the gallery that day, too. The Chairman of that Committee was Strom Thurmond, a Dixiecrat who had run for President in 1948 on a platform of segregation. And Sessions was too racist even for him! After a federal judge in Hawaii blocked Trump’s second Muslim ban, Sessions said: “I really am amazed that a judge sitting on an island in the Pacific can issue an order that stops the President of the United States from what appears to be clearly his statutory and constitutional power.” From that statement we can see that he has as much contempt for the Constitution as that malignant growth in the White House who appointed him. He later said it was a joke.
On May 3rd, Desiree was convicted on both counts: disorderly or disruptive conduct and parading, demonstrating, or picketing. She could face six months to a year in jail. The jury foreman insisted she was not arrested for laughing, but for her disruption as she was being removed. That sounds like a distinction without a difference, so as a public service I am writing this post to caution any of you who might think of laughing at this deformed Keebler elf turned to the dark side. Don’t do it! You could be subject to arrest, fine, or prison. If I say Jeff Sessions is whiter than Mitt Romney in a snowstorm, don’t you dare laugh. I’m doing this for your own good, let me assure you. If I tell you Jeff Sessions isn’t really a racist, he just likes the feeling of walking on blacktop, show some self control.
I’m going to tell some of the best jokes I could find about this little butt plug. You may think I’m putting you through this out of malice, knowing that you’re not allowed to laugh. Believe me, I’m only trying to build up your immune system, so that when you hear a joke about him in public, you’ll know enough to keep silent. After all, you may have a spouse and a family, and a job you’d like to keep. You don’t want to jeopardize all that, do you? No, no, don’t thank me yet. Wait till you get through the training.
Why is Jeff Sessions always on the bottom during sex? Because Republicans can only fuck up.
When did Jeff Sessions get a nipple ring? After hearing George Bush got a Dick Cheney.
Trump misspoke when he said attacks on Jeff Sessions are a witch hunt. He meant to say Grand Wizard hunt.
“Saturday Night Live” shouldn’t have portrayed Jeff Sessions as Forrest Gump. Sessions would never hang around with black or disabled people.
Jeff Sessions is so white he makes vanilla ice cream go “Daaaammnn!” Ooh, did I detect the corners of a smile from someone out there? Don’t worry; it’s still legal to smile.
He’s so white he makes the Queen look like Queen Latifah.
He’s so white he makes “Prairie Home Companion” look like a Kendrick Lamar concert.
He’s so white he makes Michael Jackson look black.
He’s so white he won’t go shopping on Black Friday.
He’s so white he gets sunburned by the moon.
He’s so white he gets a tan standing in front of the TV.
Did you know Jeff Sessions’ leg moves when you scratch him behind his ears?
Why shouldn’t Jeff Sessions go swimming? Crackers get soggy when wet.
Why can’t Jeff Sessions play chess? Because he’s been taught all white pieces are kings.
Why did Jeff Sessions fail his biology test in high school? Because when the teacher asked him what’s normally found in a cell, he answered, “Black people.”
What’s the difference between Jeff Sessions and a snake? One is an evil, cold-blooded, venomous, slimy creature of Satan, and the other is a snake.
Jeff Sessions’ favorite joke: What’s white on the top and black on the bottom? Society.
Jeff Sessions confirmed: Yes we Klan!
Hasan Minhaj was the comic host of this year’s White House Correspondence Dinner. He said Jeff Sessions had wanted to come, but he was doing a pre-Civil War reenactment.
The late night comics have had their shots, too. Stephen Colbert has referred to him as a forest gnome, and the first baby-grandpa hybrid.
Seth Meyers offered this one: “After past allegations of racism, Attorney General nominee Jeff Sessions said today, ‘I abhor the Klan and their hateful ideology,’ though he refused to answer the follow-up question, ‘Ku Klux or Wu Tang?’ “
You are free to enjoy laughing at these jokes, safely in the privacy of your home. And my hope is that you’ll be somehow inoculated, so that if you hear them in public, you’ll know enough to keep quiet. I don’t want anyone getting in trouble. More important, perhaps you’ll come to the realization that there is nothing funny at all about this beady-eyed little peckerhead. Personally, I think we’d all be better off if his father had wasted that load against the wall. He has to be one of the most rancid pieces of fecal material the Republicans have ever vomited out upon the American political landscape. Now he’s ordering judges to go back to maximum sentencing, even for low-level drug offenses, and we know how this affects minorities at about a 4 to 1 ratio to whites. It’s appalling. That such a pathetic and twisted little bed-wetter can come to be the nation’s highest ranking law enforcement officer, must make the Devil himself blush. But at least when God made him a fool, he gave him a fool’s face.