Dr. Prankheimer’s Haunted Castle of Debt
Welcome children, welcome, to Wryly Coyote’s Halloween Special! We have a feast of frightful frivolity for you – – ghosts, zombies, spooks, haints, monsters, and assorted horrors. Hell, I think we’ve even got a couple trolls hanging around. Yeah, there they are, Karl Rove and Rush Limbaugh. And what would a Halloween special be without a costume party to finish it all off?
Halloween should be scary, right? Three straight Republican debates had the crowd cheering at Rick Perry’s modern record of executing 234 death row inmates, yelling that an uninsured man in a coma be allowed to die, then booing a gay Marine who called from Iraq, while not one of the candidates on stage said a thing. To me, that’s really scary.
You want ghosts? The Spirit of Republicans Past haunts Congress. They used to stand for cutting fraud, waste, and abuse in the government, and less governmental interference in our lives. They now howl and rattle their chains at the zombie tea party freshmen in the Haunted House of Reprehensibles. This zombie army shuffles along, arms held out, but instead of monotones of “brains, brains” (they have no use for those), they chant “cut spending”, and “entitlement reform”. So who ya gonna call?
Ghouls? Well, Dick Cheney just crawled out of his crypt and again walks the Earth, promoting his latest book of lies. If any unclean, foul thing could exist with no pulse or heartbeat, it would have to be Cheney.
How about some monsters? We’ve got lots of monsters – – Koch Industries, Wall Street, the International Monetary Fund, the World Bank, ALEC, Monsanto, Archer Daniels Midland, Cargill, Tyson, Wal-Mart, Arch Coal, Massey Energy, Fox News, Exxon-Mobil, BP, Chevron, Conoco-Phillips, Shell, the World Trade Organization, and I could go on and on. These monsters are fierce and deadly; get in their way and you will be devoured.
How about some spooks? There are over 850,000 people in this country with Top Secret clearances, and they are recording every phone call, email, text or tweet that you and I send, in complete contravention of our 4th Amendment rights. They are filtered for trigger words, and filed away somewhere. Over half of these people are private contractors. Is that spooky enough for you?
Here we are in the Haunted House of Reprehensibles. It has been taken over by a zombie army – – the Tea Party freshmen, about 80 of them. They shuffle along with arms extended, but they’re not in search of brains. What use would they have for those? No, their monotone chant is more like, “cut spending”, “cut taxes”, and “reform entitlements”. These ideas have been dead for a long time, yet they walk among us.
Oh, good! The costume party has begun. I see President Obama is wearing that Morgan Freeman costume he’s been wearing for the last couple years. Mr. President, you need to wear the Samuel L. Jackson costume! You know, the one he wore in “Pulp Fiction”. Then you can rain down some righteous anger on all those uncircumcised Philistines on the Right. Don’t take it off until Nov. 7, 2012.
The hedge-fund managers are all dressed as pirates. The banksters from Wall Street are wearing either Jesse James or the Dalton Gang. There’s Speaker of the House John Boehner, as an orange bar-fly. House Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is in that turtle costume. Wait! That’s no costume! Rick Perry came in a cowboy suit, to no one’s surprise. Michele Bachmann looks good as the Bride of FrankenChrist, and her husband Marcus makes a perfect Liberace. Jon Huntsman (who?) is dressed as a Moderate Republican. Very good, but not really believable. Mitt Romney came as himself, showing the depth of his imagination. Mitt Romney just walked in, dressed as Mitt Romney. He just doesn’t get it, does he?
Ron Paul came as the old man in that movie, “Up”. Rick Santorum (Google him!) makes a very good Clifford the Big Red Dog. NJ Governor Chris Christie came as Nelson, the neighborhood bully from “The Simpsons”. Right-wing blogger Andrew Breitbart made a great cockroach. Hey, there’s our host, Professor Prankheimer, as writer Kilgore Trout. Newt Gingrich is Mrs. Doubtfire. Wait! Then who is that as the hot-air balloon? Oh, it’s Bill O’Reilly of Fox News. Arizona Senator John Kyl dressed as a block of petrified wood; very nice. John McCain came as Grandpa Simpson. Hey, there’s Glenn Beck, as Renfield, the lunatic character in Bram Stoker’s DRACULA. True to character, Glenn was catching and eating spiders and flies, and babbling in the corner. Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) came as Gomer Pyle – – he didn’t need any makeup. Bill and Hillary were there, and in costume as each other, which was slightly creepy. I like Donald Trump’s costume – – he’s a greasy hairball. Me, I was dressed as a coyote, of course. I just hung around the fringes of the party and watched.
Many of the media were in attendance, dressed as journalists, but I didn’t find them convincing. There were lots of terrific costumes, but the Grand Prize goes to little Scotty Walker, Governor of Wisconsin. He was dressed as a pimple. His uncles, the Koch Brothers, must have helped him; there’s so much detail in that costume. You know how a pimple gets bright red, with a little white tip, just before it pops? He was so cute, with those tiny, dead black eyes peeking out. Second Prize went to Herman Cain, who came as a lawn jockey.
Trick or Treat!