God Reconsiders Man’s Fate
I AM sat on a large spiral galaxy, head down, deep in thought, absentmindedly stroking His long, white beard. On His right, His only son, Yeshua, hovered above a gaseous nebula, close at hand.
“What is it, Father? You seem troubled.”
“Oh, it’s those Goddamned humans,” the Creator thundered, “They’re really starting to piss me off!”
“You don’t have to tell ME!” said Yeshua. “I lived with these people for 33 years. I fed them when they were hungry, clothed them when they were naked, healed them when they were sick, and visited them when they were in prison. And what did I get for my efforts? Hung on a cross, is what.”
He Who Has No Name lifted His head: “Oh, are you still sore about that?”
“No, no, I did it gladly, to redeem them. I know these people pretty well, and there is much good in them. You LOVE them as I do, you know that.”
“I used to think so,” said the Maker of Heaven and Earth, as He leaned over to light His cigar on a nearby supernova. “Remember when I sent those angels to Lot?”
Yeshua smiled. “Refresh my memory.”
“Well, you’ll remember I was going to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah for their wickedness, unless fifty of the righteous could be found. Then Abraham jewed me down to ten, and couldn’t find even that few.” The Ancient of Ancients fondled His beard and stared off into space for a moment. “. . . Where was I?”
“Then you sent the angels to warn Lot.”
“Right. And a bunch of men wanted to know my angels, as they say, so Lot offered up his own two virgin daughters to be gang-raped, and he was supposed to be my best guy!” He puffed on the cigar. “So I smoked the place. There wasn’t a righteous man in the lot, if you’ll pardon the pun.”
“But Lord,” said Yeshua, “what about Job? He was your most devoted servant.”
“Yes, poor Job,” mused the Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything, “And how did I reward his devotion? I heaped disaster and misery upon his head, just to win a bet with the Devil.”
“And even then, he never lost faith, did he? As I said, there is good in them.”
The Master of Time and Eternity snorted in derision: “One man among millions of assholes!” He sadly shook His head back and forth. “I repent that ever I made Adam,” He said, wearily. “I’d have done better just creating the woman and letting her mate with a fruit bat!”
“Well, you did give them free will,” said the Son of Man.
“I know. That was the point. But look what they’ve done with it — they’re trashing the whole planet! Christ, I spent four billion years getting it ready for them — it’s some of my best work, and the bastards are turning it into a ball of shit!” His face was hot with wrath, as He rose up to His full height: “Well, this time I shall raise my hand and make an end of them!” The galaxy rippled with His fury.
“Uh, excuse me, Divine One, but you promised Noah that you wouldn’t”
“I said I wouldn’t do it with a flood,” He said, raising a finger for emphasis. “I was very specific about that.” The Traverser of Billions of Years brushed a few globular clusters from His robe. “My son, you have argued well for these miserable creatures, but my MIND is made up. After all, how many Mozarts does it take to offset a Hitler? No, I can’t think of a single reason to spare them.” He sat down again on the galaxy.
Just then, a small figure appeared in a shabby monk’s robe, as chirping bluebirds circled his head.
“St. Francis!” cried Yeshua excitedly. He’d always liked Francis; the guy was really laid back.
“My Lord,” said Francis, as he bowed low, “I believe I can give You many reasons to spare humanity, but since You asked for only one, I shall choose what I think is the best.” He began slowly, “O Most High, You created millions of animals, all of whom I treasure more than my SELF. Many was the time that two of these various kinds, though they be natural enemies, have formed close bonds. But of them all, none but humans have done so with so many different species, or as often. From cats and dogs to horses, birds of all feathers, snakes, horny-toads, turtles, hamsters, fishes, and even whales, dolphins, and porpoises. Each of these have humans cherished as they do their own families, and wept bitterly at their loss. Surely a species this capable of expressing Your own LOVE, is worthy of the gift of life.” Francis stepped back humbly.
The Big Bangster pointed at him as He looked at Yeshua, “I just love this guy!” He looked back at the monk, smiling benevolently, “Brother Francis, you should have been a lawyer,” He laughed. “You don’t say much when you’re not talking to animals, but when you do, it’s worth hearing. But you don’t seriously expect me to change my MIND, do you?”
“My Father,” added Yeshua, “I will give you something else to think about. If You destroy mankind, wouldn’t you be admitting that you, Most Perfect, made a mistake in creating them? And might not the ensuing paradox negate all existence? And wouldn’t that include Your own?
The Ace of Space waved them both away. “Give me some TIME to think,” he growled.
I AM sat on a large spiral galaxy, His head down, deep in thought, absentmindedly stroking His long, white beard.