Gun Safety, American Style

Gun Safety, American Style
By A.C. Mutt

    Greetings, my fellow gun owners in this greatest nation on God’s green Earth. The time is coming for us to take our country back. It took this President seven years, but Obama just signed an executive order in January to extend background checks for weapons purchases. It’s the first step in total citizen disarmament, and we must defend ourselves. Fellow patriots (I mean white men of course, but that goes without saying), remember that unless you’re hunting or in combat, guns should only be used defensively. With that in mind, I want to give you some common sense tips that could save your life, because there’s danger everywhere.
    First, always keep your gun with you, safety off. If someone comes bursting through the door, you don’t have time to unlock the gun safe, disable the trigger lock mechanism, and load it. Hang it in a plastic bag with you when you shower. You don’t want to end up like Janet Leigh in “Psycho,” do you? I’d advise you to learn to eat with one hand so the penis extender, I mean gun, is always in your hand. If for some reason you need to lay it down, put it on a table or something out in the open so the kids can find it. Children are curious and love finding new toys.
    If someone knocks at your door late at night, saying their car broke down and could they use your phone, shoot them, because they’re lying. Everyone has a smart phone now. It’s better to err on the side of caution.
    Keep in mind that an armed society is a safe society. That guy who shot up that movie theater in Colorado? If every one of those movie-goers had been armed and shooting every which way into the darkness, that guy would have been toast. Maybe you’re fortunate enough to live in an open carry state, in which case you’ll likely run across someone else openly packing. Don’t hesitate, pull your piece and drop him. You don’t know — he could be a radicalized Islamic jihadist masquerading as a beer-bellied Billy Bob. Or he could be ready to go on a mass shooting spree. Do you want to take that chance? You’re even luckier if your state has “stand your ground” laws. You’re home free if you feared for your life. And if you’re openly carrying, you probably are. Wait — it gets even better. You can be on the Department of Homeland Security’s “no-fly list,” and you can still walk into any gun store or show and buy a gun. God bless America!
    I know there are some who will ask why do you need an AR-15 with an extended 30-round clip just to go deer hunting. But wait till you see the look on those guys’ faces when you turn Bambi into a pasta strainer. Who’s the man now?
    Guns can solve a lot of social problems, like getting rid of those pesky Jehovah’s Witnesses or Mormons who keep ringing your doorbell. When they’re not arresting criminals, police are using guns to reduce the population of young black men in already overcrowded inner cities. They’re also at the front in combating the serious problem of mental illness. Those people are being taken off the streets and into the morgues, where they can no longer be a danger to themselves or the public.
    Another way of exercising your God-given 2nd Amendment rights is to amass as many weapons and ammunition as possible. And you’ll be contributing to the economy! You’ll want to hide them in various places, so that when the government comes to take them, you’ll still have a couple left to take on that Marine squad with Apache helicopter gunships.
    Cleaning your gun — Before you go off cocked, locked, and ready to rock, you need to have a clean machine. When you pull the trigger on that home invader you don’t want it to backfire and explode metal shrapnel into your face, do you? You want optimal performance; your life could depend on it. After unloading the weapon, make sure the chamber is empty. The best way to do that is to hold the weapon to your head and pull the trigger — you’ll know right away. Still with me? Good, the chamber was empty then. Now put some cleaning oil on a felt swab and with the cleaning rod, ram it back and forth through the barrel. Take the felt swab and rub it back and forth along the barrel. Faster . . . faster . . . ahh, oh my God! After release, rub everything down with a clean rag.
    I hope these tips will be helpful. Get together with some like-minded friends. Hell, you can even form a militia and take over a wildlife preserve. If you’re white, who’s going to stop you? Whatever the case, remember: if you see something, shoot something.

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