Kernels* of Wisdom from the Right
(*a kernel is the inside of a nut)
We continually hear more in the media from the angry Right. They’re always bitching about something or other. So I thought I’d compile some of their more recent pronouncements on various issues, in order to better understand this collective psychosis. The first section on history is taken from recent revisionist school textbooks. The rest are all direct statements by public figures like politicians, pundits, preachers, and celebrities, and tossed out like chum for their low-information base to gobble up and recycle. This is what happens when the intellect is chained up in a dark basement, with barely enough nourishment to survive.
American history — America’s founders were all Christians, and this is a Christian nation. When the pilgrims arrived, the Indians kept them from starving to death. In order to show our gratitude, the colonists did all they could to bring these savages to Jesus. To help them assimilate into our society, they put their children into residential boarding schools. They kept them safe from the wild beasts by fencing them into reservations, while providing easy access to drugs and alcohol. We’ve done a lot for these people. Most slave owners treated their slaves well, it was just good business. Why do you think they were singing all the time? Many slaves fought for the South during the Civil War because they didn’t want to lose their jobs. The Ku Klux Klan was a Christian organization primarily concerned with wife beaters and bootleggers.
Government — The federal government wants to absolutely control everything in our lives. It ought to just get out of the way and let businesses have the freedom to do what they want. Regulations are government control, and stifle the entrepreneurial spirit. After all, corporations would never do anything to harm or poison their own customers, it’s bad for business. Taxes are the government taking our money and giving it to other people. The government does not have the authority to force us to let them take care of us.
Social programs — Why should I have to pay for someone else’s health care? A lot of the homeless are there because they choose not to work. Half of the people on disability aren’t even disabled at all! Unemployment insurance shouldn’t be for more than six months because it just encourages people to remain unemployed. Besides, I don’t believe in giving people money for doing nothing. How come I can only afford hamburger, while the guy in front of me is using food stamps to buy T-bone steak on the taxpayer’s dime?
Climate change — How can CO2 be a pollutant? I’m breathing it out right now! And the plants love it. Trees and cows cause more pollution than cars. It’s nothing but a hoax so the scientists can keep getting funding from the government. Winter snow in Boston is proof there’s no such thing as global warming. How arrogant of us to think that we can change God’s world.
Science — We all know there’s no gravity in outer space, so how can those Mars landers stay on the planet instead of drifting off? Dinosaurs were put there by Satan to make us believe in evolution. All that stuff I was taught about embryology, evolution, big bang theory, all of that is lies straight from the pit of Hell.
Foreign policy — We’ll put a boot up yer ass — it’s the American way. Benghaaaazeeeee!
Gay people — Being gay must be a choice, because God would never create people like that. I think we are inviting God’s judgment when we shake our fist at Him and say, ”We know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage.” And why should they get special rights? The gay agenda is to convert our children to their perverted ways.
Guns — The best way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun [duck, everybody!] The Second Amendment guarantees me the right to own weapons, from an AR-15 assault rifle to a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher to an F-35 fighter jet. And I should be able to take them anywhere I want, because freedum.
Women’s issues — Since life begins at conception, every miscarriage should be investigated by the police to determine whether a murder charge is warranted. Women can’t get pregnant from rape, because the female body has ways of shutting that whole thing down. Besides, she shouldn’t have been wearing that dress.
President Obama — He’s the love child of Malcolm X. He’s a Kenyan Muslim socialist Marxist dictator. He doesn’t love America the way we do. This administration has so many Muslim Brotherhood members that have influence that they just are making wrong decisions for America. He wants Christians to get off their high horse and make nice with jihadist radicals. He’s an evil spirit, the antichrist, the Devil himself. He has a secret Muslim prayer room in the White House. Oh, and he’s a gay cocaine addict, too.
Obamacare — The government is trying to control our health care. Obamacare is the worst thing to happen to this country since slavery.
Immigration — They’re taking away our jobs. They come here to have a baby so it will be a U.S. citizen. They’re called drop-and-leave or anchor babies. They bring crime, and diseases like ebola and measles. Terrorists could stream over the border any time they wanted. We must secure the borders, like East Germany did, with a high wall and lots of troops. We need to padlock the IRS and bring all those people down to guard the border.
Terrorism — They’re sending “black widows” to have children here, so they’ll be citizens. Then later they can come back and attack us. ISIS is in league with the Mexican drug cartels and are about to attack Arkansas. Waterboarding is how we baptize terrorists.
If you’ve gotten this far without your head exploding, congratulations. I thought that by shoveling the accumulated gibberish onto you all at once, it would have the most effect. It further emphasizes the need for a comprehensive national mental health policy. These people do not belong in public service, but confined to a straitjacket in a rubber room, and under heavy sedation. Now is the time to get all these people the help they so badly need.