Liberals’ War on Christmas: Postmortem
I want to thank our fellow godless commie America-hating liberals for their efforts in the annual War on Christmas. I’m a little disappointed that more of you didn’t participate, but we made significant progress towards our goal of ruining Christianity’s most popular holiday.
We have a fine example from Oakville, WA, near Olympia. There the Grays Harbor Fire Department put on their reader board, as they always have: “Unto us a savior is born. Merry Christmas.” Thank Nothing that one brave citizen stepped up and objected, and contacted the Fire Department personally. They caved immediately and took the message down. There’ll be no joy in Grinchville this night, brou-hah-hah-hah-hah. But oh! In a counterattack, hundreds of citizens protested, and once again the Fire Department caved, restoring the message. It’s still a moral victory, though.
I’d also like to note the efforts of American Atheists (atheists.org) for their annual billboards. Last year’s featured a picture of Santa Claus with a finger to his lips, with the caption: “Go ahead and skip church. Just be good for goodness’ sake.” This doesn’t really qualify as war on Christmas, with old St. Nick right there. I’m somewhat confused that the atheists don’t believe in a God, but they seem to believe in a Santa. I suppose that’s due to the greater historical evidence in Santa’s case.
There could have been more involvement in Nativity scene vandalism and desecration, or the piling on of Menorrahs, Festivus poles, Satanic emblems, and whatever they use for Kwanzaa. In this regard, special recognition is given to Jasen Dixon of Sycamore, OH. Though many others have copied and marketed his idea, Jasen was the first to create the first zombie Nativity scene, five years ago. They’re all zombies, including the baby Jesus, who looks a little like Gollum but with sharper fangs. He’s done it every year, but this last time he was fined $500 for violating some made-up chickenshit ordinance. The purpose of art is to provoke an emotional reaction in the public, and I guess he did that.
Let’s look back at our accomplishments over the years. There are no more Christmas trees adorning city squares, schools, or offices. They’re all Holiday trees now, by (absence of) God. All across the country, you’ll no longer see Christmas parties at workplaces or in schools. They’re Holiday parties now and forever.
Most of all, I want to thank all of you for your years of hard work. America’s largest chain stores all quake in fear each November over whether to utter the forbidden words of “Merry Christmas,” in mortal terror of offending some Buddhist, Sikh, Muslim, Jew, Rastafarian, or Pastafarian (Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster). You have made millions of people across this great nation stress over giving you a simple seasonal greeting. You should all be very proud of yourselves.
While I know how hard you’ve worked, I think too many perhaps well-meaning people go after the low-hanging fruit of Christmas, when there are more grievous intrusions by religion into government, where it has no business. Let’s concentrate of these: abolish opening prayers for congressional sessions by the House or Senate chaplains. They can still have chaplains, like in the armed forces. “In God We Trust” has no place on our coinage, nor should it be the national motto, having been so designated in 1956 during the red scare. Two years earlier the words “under God” were added to the Pledge of Allegiance for the same reason. These are more worthy goals and more important.
I know I’ll get an argument, but I think there’s a vast difference between a cheap plastic made in China Nativity scene displayed for a few weeks a year, and a permanently installed stone sculpture of the Ten Commandments next to the courthouse. Besides, Americans are stressed out like never before. Most are caught in a rigged oligarchy-based economy, and Christmas is the one time of the year when they can maybe a little happy, and you want to ruin that. That’s just graceless and petty.