Live the American Dream!
By Earnest Prankheimer
It should be clear by now that nobody is going to be creating any jobs any time soon, and those few will have reduced wages and benefits. Even if you do find something, it could be eliminated or outsourced at any moment. If you want a job offering security and good pay, you need to create it yourself. Isn’t that the American Dream? At least that’s what they keep telling us. America was built by entrepreneurs, we’re told (actually it was built by slavery and genocide). If you have an idea and you’re willing to work long, hard hours, you, too, can be rich. You might keep in mind that you have a better chance of winning the lottery than being the next Mark Zuckerberg. Before you make the leap, though, I advise you to take a few business courses. Private online universities give you the flexibility to study when you have the time. Realize that your best chances for success — given the current direction of the country — will be to recognize and even anticipate market demand. I have a few ideas that may help you to get started right away.
Recycling — This is guaranteed income, if somewhat labor intensive. Aluminum cans are small stuff; think big. Those guard rails along the highway are gold mines. So is aluminum siding on houses. Copper is much better though, paying five times the aluminum price. Foreclosed homes are full of it. Occupational hazards: arrest and incarceration. You should avoid career choices that put you in jeopardy with the law; there are much better options that are perfectly legal.
Dumpster diving — Don’t laugh. Money saved not buying food can be pumped into your business. Do you have any idea how much food is discarded by grocery stores and fast food outlets, every single day? You can be living like a king, and selling the surplus to friends, neighbors, and relatives. Startup costs are meager; coveralls and a shopping cart are all you need. Occupational hazards: lysteria and salmonella poisoning; lawsuits by friends, neighbors, and relatives.
Panhandling — This is a challenging field, due to police crackdowns. But I have it on good authority from several right wing sources that a six-figure income is easily within reach. No startup costs, either, other than some cardboard and a black magic marker. Occupational hazards: finding an unoccupied freeway on-ramp.
Hey, these aren’t careers! No, they are survival skills you’ll need until you begin turning a profit in your new venture, American flag merchandise! Nobody else goes berserk for the flag more than Americans — hell, the more and bigger the flags you have, the more you love this by God great country. Too bad for you; China has cornered the market, including those lapel pins Republicans are so fond of. Unless you can find a way to pay people pennies an hour, it won’t work. Before you give up, though, contact some private prisons. They may have just the labor force you need.
Start your own private police — With cities going broke and laying off police and firefighters, someone has to protect the super rich from angry mobs with torches and pitchforks. This is a great opportunity for combat war veterans with PTSD — you get to beat the crap out of people, and occasionally even shoot their asses dead. Occupational hazard: eventual lead poisoning.
Torch and pitchfork manufacture — In the next few years demand for these articles will be at its peak. You can be the Henry Ford of insurgence implements. Startup cost is reasonable, with no occupational hazards. This would be one of my top recommendations for a big payoff.
Corrugated aluminum housing — As more and more people lose their homes due to fraudulent foreclosures, they’ll need places to live. Shantytowns will be blooming across America like sunflowers in the French countryside, but terms like sheds, huts, and shanties have negative connotations. Call them “downsized residential units.” Startup cost is considerable as you need a large facility to meet consumer demand. Occupational hazards: aluminum recyclers.
This next option should only be considered if the Republicans succeed in repealing the Affordable Care Act, otherwise known as Obamacare. Can you say in a loud enough voice, “Bring out your dead. Bring out your dead.”? If so, an exciting career can be yours in the field of corpse removal. Startup costs are minimal; all you need is a heavy-duty two-wheeled wooden cart, and a pair of nose plugs. Occupational hazards: Typhoid fever, leprosy, diphtheria, and bubonic plague.
Start an online university — You can make lots of money putting thousands of saps into deep debt, while providing them with nothing of value that will help them find work. Startup cost: you should probably get an MBA from one of those online private universities. Occupational hazards: lawsuits.
Become a pop star — You don’t need musical ability; hell, you don’t even have to be able to sing. With the right marketing strategy, you can become famous overnight, have unlimited access to sex and drugs, even form your own posse. Uh, you are under 21, aren’t you? Occupational hazards: drug & alcohol abuse, a fickle public.
Develop your own TV reality show — This may be the best opportunity for those with no discernible talent, and who lack even the most rudimentary intelligence or social skills. You get to act like a complete jackass, while raking in the dough. Look at what the Kardashians and Jersey Whores have accomplished, and let that be your inspiration. Occupational hazards: drug & alcohol abuse, lawsuits.
All the above are promising endeavors. But if you’re looking for a guaranteed return on investment, you can’t do better than hate. Nothing else in America sells quite like hate. It’s the hottest commodity going now, and the market just keeps expanding. You’ll have plenty of targets — liberals, gays, women, anyone who’s not white and Christian (Muslims are currently in season), environmentalists You can start a website, make T-shirts and bumper stickers, or signs appropriate for any occasion. Startup costs will vary with the size of your operation. Of course, the apex of this inverted pyramid is your own radio talk show. Can you vocalize venomous, vitriolic, invective with varying degrees of verisimilitude? Are you able to summon from the depths of your inner darkness the ugliest lies and distortions imaginable? How’s your fake outrage? You’ll need to hone your craft if you expect to make it in hate radio. Occupational hazards: fierce competition. There are legions of loud, pompous asses all over the airwaves right now, many of whom are firmly entrenched. There’s always room for one more hater, though, so don’t be discouraged.
As I hope you can see, the potential to live the American Dream is limited only by your imagination. However, you should keep in mind what the late George Carlin said on the subject: “The reason it’s called the American Dream is that you have to be asleep to have it.”