This . . . is NPR

This . . . is NPR

    You’re listening to NPR, National Public Radio, bringing you the news and information you need, only not really, since we’re owned by transnational corporations now. This is KQUE FM 101.5, in Midland City. Support for KQUE comes from listeners like you, only with a lot more money. Welcome to “Evening with the Classics.” Tonight we proudly present the “Concerto for Swine Flute in E Minor,” composed by Giuseppe Placenta, and featuring soprano Anna Sofia Mutter, kazooist Eduardo Gaspacho, and Pierluigi Linguini on the swine flute, and conducted by Sir Neville Mariner at the Academy of St. Martin’s in the Field.
    Support for “Evening with the Classics” is made possible by grants from Good Earth Pharmaceuticals: selling prescription addiction for fifty years; and by Copper Creek Smelting and Refining: heavy metal — it’s not just rock music anymore; and by the Earnest Prankheimer Institute for Natural Gasification: building strong community partnerships while fracking the countryside into a moonscape, then moving on; and by Mama Angina’s Super Sugar Clusters: celebrating diversity in obesity and diabetes since 1945.
    But before we get to “Evening with the Classics,” if you’re a regular listener to KQUE then you know that last night we concluded our Midwinter Pledge Drive, and our thanks to all who contributed your support. If you recently received your renewal notice in the mail, please send it in right away, so we can continue to provide you with the programming you’ve come to expect, after approval of our conservative Board of Directors, of course.
    This evening we begin our annual Spring Pledge Drive. KQUE gives you the great programs you can’t find anywhere else, but it’s not free. If there’s anything our corporate overlords have taught us it’s that we shouldn’t expect to get something for nothing. That wouldn’t be fair, would it? So if you’re a long-term listener and you’ve never honored us with your pledge, that makes you a freeloader, doesn’t it? How can you even sleep at night? How about coughing up some support? Call us at 1 800 309-5783, that’s 1 800 309-KQUE, and make your pledge. We have several levels of sponsorship to fit your financial situation, beginning with $50 to make you an Apprentice Member, all the way to the $1000 gift, making you a Platinum Member — and you’ll receive a cheap fabric tote bag, as our thanks. And you know, you can always donate at our website, Just click on Support. But whatever you can scrape up from under the couch cushions, empty phone booths, or from panhandling, we do appreciate it. You could buy a couple extra lottery tickets each week, with the idea that if you hit a winner you’ll pledge, say, half the amount. Why, just the other day as I was walking by an old lady on the street, her handbag fell out of her purse to the sidewalk. There was over $700 in there! So be creative. Again, call 1 800 309-5783, 1 800 309-KQUE.
    And now, our “Evening with the Classics” presentation: the Concerto for Swine Flute in E Minor, by Giuseppe Placenta, featuring soprano Anna Sofia Mutter, kazooist Eduardo Gaspacho, and Pierluigi Linguini on swine flute, conducted by Sir Neville Mariner at the Academy of St. Martin’s in the Field:
    (drum crescendo) . . . “Sooo-eeee!”
    And we’ll get right back to the music, but first, your contributions can be “instrumental” to the quality of programming here at KQUE. And think about this: you’re not getting any younger. Did you know you can name KQUE as a beneficiary in your will or individual retirement account? You may be eligible for other plans too, because we don’t just want you to give generously while you’re still with us, we’re not too proud to pick your bones clean after you’re gone. Planning your legacy gift is easy, and besides, why should you leave anything to those ungrateful children of yours, who tossed you to the curb at the nursing home, and then didn’t even bother to visit? Rotten bastards. And surely you don’t want to leave the money to Uncle Billy, you know he’ll just piss it away on booze and women. So why not call, or go to our website, We’ll be “eternally” grateful.
    Well, that’s all the time we have for “Evening with the Classics” this week. You can go to our website to hear the entire Concerto. Please join us next week with another classic, and remember, our operators are standing by for your contribution. Just call 1 800 309-5783, that’s 1 800 309-5783. This . . . is NPR.

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