Polish Up Your Donald Trump Impersonation

Polish Up Your Donald Trump Impersonation

    I’m going to give you some helpful tips to help you nail that Donald Trump impersonation I know you’ve been secretly longing to try. Or maybe you never considered it, but once you see how easy he can be, you may be encouraged to give it a go. There are a couple key elements to work on, that’s all. Don’t worry if you’re not 6’ 7’’ because it’s attitude that counts. In addition, I’m going to provide you with a script to practice, preferably in front of a hall mirror. That way you can also practice making yourself look bigger. Have you noticed Trump when he really gets rolling? He’s all puffed up like a big ol’ rooster. As I said, it’s all in your attitude, and you can express that with body language.
    In addition to this free tutorial, I’m going to provide you with a script to practice with while standing in front of that hall mirror. Once you get the hang of his mindset, it’ll be easy enough for you to come up with your own Trumpisms. Note: words in bold are to be emphasized, to help you get the cadence of his speech.
    The first thing, and it’s probably obvious, is the hair. Getting it right is important for the entire visual presentation. If you have a scrap of orange carpeting to place on your head, that’s perfect. Sometimes carpet stores have little scraps they’ll give you. If not, a large cat or small dog will do, or maybe roadkill of some kind. Or you can save your belly button lint until you have a large tuft, then spritz it with some orange paint to get the look.
    The other key element essential in a proper impersonation of The Donald, is the lips. Look at how he purses his lips when he speaks. He always does it, and it makes me want to punch him in the mouth so hard, but I digress. What you’re looking for is how you form your lips for a kiss; not how you’d kiss a lover, but how you’d kiss Grandma. Try it. Okay, that’s good. Now practice talking, and always keep those lips pursed. See? You’re starting to sound like him already! I know, it looks really stupid, doesn’t it? But you have to do it correctly if you want to succeed. You do want to succeed, don’t you? You want to do the best damned Trump ever, don’t you? Because if you don’t, then you’re just a loser, and you should probably stick to doing impersonations of other losers like Jeb Bush or Rand Paul, and stop wasting my time. Alright, are the rest of you with me? Got your hair in place? To begin with, you can just stand in front of the bathroom mirror as you work on getting the feel of the hair and lips. Don’t forget; be bold, confident, arrogant, and boorish. Let it all hang out. You don’t care who you offend. Hey, relax. This is going to be easier than you think.

    “People ask me how am I gonna round up 11 million illegal immigrants and ship them back to Mexico, ‘cause they’re not too bright, some of these people. Nobody else can figure out how to do it, can they? Well, let me tell you how. You may remember the recent news about how Volkswagen rigged computers on their diesel models to fool the emissions tests. Remember that? Do you know how many of those vehicles there are in the United States? I’ll tell you how many — about 11 million. That’s roughly one diesel per illegal. You see, it takes people like me, people with vision, to come up with ideas like that. And I tell you what — I’ve got plenty more ideas just like that.”
    “You know, the Chinese premier visited the White House last month, I think it was last month. What’s the guy’s name, Shih Tzu, Shar Pei, whatevah. It was a huge event . . . huge. State dinner, gowns and tuxedos, the whole thing. I’ll tell you what I’d have done if I was President. As I shook his hand, I’d tell him: ‘You guys have been eating our lunch on trade for forty years, and now I bet you think we’re gonna throw you some big state dinner? You’ll be lucky if we take you out to McDonald’s. And you’re buying!’ That’s right, China is killing us on trade, killing us.”
    “And I’ll tell you another thing. Never say ‘Thank you.’ Never. It gives the other person power over the situation. Always say ‘I appreciate that.’ “

    How did it go? Don’t worry, everybody’s a little awkward with a new impersonation. All you need is practice, like with anything. I’ll tell you what. Because I can see you’ve all been working hard and having fun with this, I’m going to throw in a super bonus. I’ll give you what he might say about all the other candidates.
    Lyndsey Graham — “He’s gotta come out of the closet. I mean, have you heard him speak? He’s a little festive, don’t you think?
    Rand Paul — “People like to make fun of my hair, I know that. Look at him! That hair looks like it got caught up in a weed whacker! Give me a break.”
    Jeb Bush — “Somebody has to wake him up. I mean there’s no energy there. Does he even believe what he’s saying?”
    John Kasich — “I don’t know that is. Is he one of the candidates?”
    Ted Cruz — “I like Ted, no, really. But it’s like that other guy, what’s his name, Marco Polo? Is that his name? I don’t know about you, but I don’t want a President who looks like he just swam across the border, if you know what I mean.”
    Bobby Jindal — “Doesn’t he look like the guy behind the counter at the 7-11? Are you kidding me? And his first name is Piyush! Did you know that? Oh, he just dropped out? I didn’t think he was ever in.”
    Mike Huckabee — “I don’t really know him, but let me tell you this: anyone who’s run for President that many times and hasn’t ever gotten anywhere, well, maybe he should get a clue, that’s all I’m saying.
   Carly Fiorina — “I already told you about that face. Now I love women. I really love them. If you don’t believe me, look how many I’ve had. But that’s a face you could chop wood with.”
    Chris Christie — “New Jersey is a disaster. They ought to put the whole state on one of those garbage scows and tow it out to sea. Maybe when he bows out, because nobody really likes the guy, you know? Maybe he can be on that NPR radio show, “Weight, Weight, Don’t Tell Me.”
    Dr. Ben Carson — “Ben’s a sweet guy, really nice. But I can’t hear him. Can somebody get him a microphone? For a brain surgeon, this guy can’t even string together a coherent sentence. I mean, have you tried to listen to him? Does anybody know what the hell he’s talking about? No, really. And I’ll tell you this: his entire experience in foreign affairs is he once ate at an IHOP.”

    That should give you plenty to work on, and as I said, once you get into his mind, you’ll be able to make up your own absurdities. Just remember — attitude. You’re the best Donald Trump impersonator in history! You have all the best traits of a leader; confidence, ideas, boldness, vision (okay, maybe not humility). Be as condescending, sexist, racist, pompous, and arrogant as he is. Notice how he yells “ ‘Scuse me, ‘scuse me” whenever he wants to interrupt someone. I know, it will be a challenge. You can hone your skills by watching him in the media. Don’t worry, you’ll have no trouble finding him there.

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