Some Positive Aspects of Trumpageddon
Our world is in turmoil as never before; civil wars, Islamic terrorism, global warming, Wall Street and world bankers’ unregulated piracy threatening to collapse the global economy. What wise and visionary leader will come forth to usher our nation and the world into a new age so full of potential, and yet so fraught with danger? But what did we get? Trump — the sound of shit dropping into a bucket. That can’t be right. I thought humans had an innate instinct for self-preservation. This is even worse than putting a gun to our heads and pulling the trigger, because we’re still here (at least for now). If anyone had any lingering doubts that America is the stupidest country in history, we just made an obese, petulant, mentally unhinged child narcissist the most powerful man in the world. What could possibly go wrong? So far, just about everything. The first Muslim ban, the botched Yemen raid, the second Muslim ban, the epic failure of the repeal and replacement of the Affordable Care Act; everything this orange clown touches turns to shit. He’s the antithesis of King Midas. Many people are worried, and with good reason, about the effects the Trump presidency will have on the nation, not to mention all life on Earth. It’s so easy to get so caught up in despair and cynicism that we miss the good things this colossal train wreck will bring. I hope to ease your minds with the many positive aspects of our present situation.
The week before the inauguration, sales of poster boards and paint markers (for making protest signs) increased by 30%. Every indication shows that while this orangutan’s ass remains in power, there will be more and more protests. This will necessitate creating new jobs in those industries in order to keep up with consumer demand.
At least, Hillary isn’t President!
So far, every policy this administration has put forth has ended with an unmitigated disaster. In nearly every case, this has been good for the country. So be of good cheer.
Now that the Republicans control the House, the Senate, and the White House, they’ll no longer have any excuse for sitting on their fat asses while not being able to get anything done. Again, this is good for the country, because whenever they do accomplish anything, it’s usually bad for most Americans.
After years of politically correct oppression by the left, we can all say “Merry Christmas” again. In fact, it will be mandatory.
Trump is going to make America great again. Isn’t that great?
His presidency will make us appreciate how great it was to have a real president, like Barack Obama, who actually knew what the hell he was doing.
We’ll all be able to spend more time with our children, because they’ll be working right alongside us down in the coal mines. I wonder, how long does it take a 10-year-old to develop black lung? But then, that can’t happen with “clean” coal, can it?
Stop worrying about the environment; Trump is going to replace it with something really terrific. Now that he’s exposed climate change as a hoax, we can get back to what we do best — tearing up the earth for fossil fuels. At the same time, we can finally put an end to that scourge of the Arctic, the polar bear (they eat people!). Nor do we have to worry about rising sea levels, because Noah is coming back with a really big-ass ark. And you know what they say — a rising sea level lifts all arks. Plus, if you always wanted a house on the water, your dream could come true in just a few years, even if you live in Kansas.
Since we now have an admitted, unregistered sexual offender in the White House, it will legitimize sexual assault in the minds of many men. As a result, this will lead to an increase in women taking self-defense courses, which in turn will lead to positive “impacts” in some hopefully very sensitive areas of the male anatomy. They all have it coming.
All crime will be a thing of the past, because he’s going to bring back law and order, by God. Well, of course not for white people — I mean, c’mon!
Now that corporate taxes will be reduced from 35% to 15%, think of all the jobs they’ll create! Well, there’s always a first time.
Always remember, bullshit is the best fertilizer.
Now that the Republican plan to repeal and replace Obamacare has died from a pre-existing condition (everybody hated it), 24 million Americans will still have health care (thanks, Tea Party Caucus for voting against it because it wasn’t mean enough). It will also allow the Republicans to focus on other key issues, such as giving more tax cuts to the rich, and finding new female body parts to regulate.
At long last, Republicans can realize their dream of helping Americans to realize their full individual potential, by stopping the government from giving money and social services to people who really need it. You’re on your own, folks.
This means that many Trump voters are about to get educated on what it feels like to be screwed with their pants on, and more education is always good. Also, Democrats are going to gain a lot of voters in the next election, presuming there is one.
Because facts will no longer matter, everyone will have the freedom to believe any cockamamie idea or conspiracy theory they find on the internet.
Evangelists almost universally voted for this morally bankrupt obscenity that is now prowling around the White House, proving to everyone what shameless hypocrites they’ve always been.
Thanks to Twitter, every American can always know exactly what their President is thinking at any time, especially around 3:00 a.m.
Every time the President of the Small Men’s Penis Club says something, either on camera or on Twitter, we’ll all get to feel just a little smarter.
We won’t have to take any more shit from China, except for Trump’s and Ivanka’s clothing lines. Oh, and our smartphones. And all the cheap crap at Walmart.
If you live in America, and you’re Muslim, Jewish, Asian, have black or brown skin, are an immigrant or refugee, or belong to the LGBTQ community, I have good news: Canada isn’t far away. It’s a friendly, inclusive country, where you’ll have the best chance of achieving the American Dream.
Trump’s candidacy, which led to his becoming the most powerful man in the world, will be an inspiration to pathological liars, sexual predators, and psychopaths everywhere.
Even if the worst happens, and the Mango Megalomaniac thrusts us all into a thermonuclear war that ends all life as we know it, well, it’ll be over before we even know it.
The as-seen-on-TV President, as well as Americans as a whole, are bringing the gift of laughter to all the world, and laughter is good for everyone, isn’t it? Note: they are not laughing with us.
So you see, we should always look on the bright side. Remember, it’s always darkest before the dawn, and every cloud has a mercury lining (CAUTION: mercury is toxic to all living things).