A Very Prankheimer Christmas
by Earnest Prankheimer
“Chipmunks roasting on an open fire,
Frostbite snapping off your nose,
Yuletide crap (made in China) displayed,
And oil rigs threaten Eskimos,
A missle and some turkey toes
Could make your season less than bright . . . “
Well, you know the rest. Yes, it’s that season again. Festive lights and mall fist fights, shootings over parking places or limited quantity chotschkes. The rest of the world thinks we’re crazy, but they just don’t know — this is how Americans celebrate the birth of their Saviour. Office parties with Secret Santas, heated arguments with hated relatives, and the treats — cakes and pastries, candy and cookies, tortes and tarts, oh baby. Aw, go ahead; you’ve got eleven months to lose the weight. So welcome, welcome, children of all ages. Grab yourself a hot rum and nog (sprinkle of nutmeg), or some hot chocolate, and get comfortable. We have lots of holiday news that the media won’t tell you. But I will. These are advisories to help make your shopping season a more enjoyable and productive one.
First you should know that in the interest of national security, the Transportation Safety Administration has issued a new guideline for the Christmas Season. Santa Claus, when crossing any border into the United States, must immediately land at the nearest airport and submit to TSA screening, either a full-body scan or a fat-down. I mean pat-down. All toys in his bag must pass through metal detectors, and opened when necessary. So when the kiddies get up Christmas morning and race to the tree for their gifts, expect some delay.
Republicans are all up in arms over the allegation that all the elves at Santa’s Toyshop are in fact undocumented workers. The fact that the North Pole is not as yet American territory seems to have escaped them. This isn’t their main point of contention, though. They’re much more concerned about Santa Claus, obviously a liberal, giving all this free stuff to children. They say it can only lead to a culture of dependency, and that children need to learn personal responsibility early on, and earn the money to buy their own gifts. (In THIS job market?)
Well, it doesn’t matter, anyway. After this Christmas, Santa will be closing his doors at the Toyshop. He can no longer compete in manufacturing or costs with the Chinese. When asked what he’ll do next, he was pragmatic: “Oh, I’ll still have the gigs at the department stores every December. And Mrs. Claus has lots of projects around the house. Then again, we might just move away. I can’t stand to look at all those oil platforms anymore. The rest of the time you may find me wandering around 34th Street. It would take a miracle to get the Toyshop up and running again.” Then it was suggested that he might defray costs by applying a small charge to each toy. His reply: “What the hell do I look like, a Goddamned capitalist?”
A naked man has been seen in neighborhoods throughout the upper Midwest and the Northeast. He’s been described as white, and having a corncob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal. If you see this man, notify the police immediately.
In Bedford Falls, George Bailey’s old Savings & Loan has fallen victim to a leveraged buyout by Bain Capital, and now we all have to move to Pottersville. Well, all except for Mr. Potter. He lives in a gated community with his own private security team. He needs them, too.
Sarah Palin shot and killed two reindeer Christmas Eve. She thought they were caribou. The reindeer were harnessed to a large sleigh which was parked on an apartment rooftop. Witnesses reported seeing a large man in a red suit fleeing the scene.
In Whoville, Georgia, Newt Gingrinch has stolen all the town’s toys and hidden them on a nearby mountaintop (which is scheduled for removal by Arch Coal, beginning December 26th). All the Whos in Whoville are mighty upset. You’re a mean one, Mr. Gingrinch.
A Middle Eastern couple were detained by agents of Homeland Security last week a few miles from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. The woman was pregnant, and riding on a donkey. Since they had no documentation, they have been turned over to Immigration and Customs authorities. In a related story, three other Middle Eastern men riding camels were apprehended in the same vicinity. It is not known whether they have some connection to the married couple. The men claimed they had been following a star, which later turned out to be an orbiting weather satellite. The gifts the men were bearing have been confiscated until their contents can be determined.
In the event that you plan to cook a turkey or goose this year that came from Canada, or any other foreign country, please note that cooking times are in Celsius, and not Fahrenheit. It could make a big difference.
There’s some good news, too, for this festive season. Bob Cratchit’s son, Tiny Tim, will finally be able to get that operation on his legs, thanks to a new provision of President Obama’s Affordable Care Act, which just went into effect.
I hope you’re up to date now, and though it’s been said, many times, many ways, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Festive Kwanzaa, Joyous Solstice, and for you atheists — holiday greetings, from the Prankheimers.