If I Were the President

If I Were the President

    If I had been elected as the first black President of the United States, there are some things I would have done differently.  Many, many things.
    After inauguration, the first order of business is always to meet with the Chiefs of Staff of the armed forces, to receive launch codes, and so on.  Playing on an educated guess, I would detail an extra squad of U.S. Marine guards to be just outside the room, awaiting my signal.  Upon my being told they had everything under control, and that they knew best how to conduct foreign policy, I’d reach into my pocket, pull out my Blackberry, and say “Now!”  In would come the Marines, and I would say to the top brass:  “Boys, there’s a new sheriff in town, and we are finished with endless war.  Some of you fellas can retire and write your books now.”
    My first official act would be to name former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer as my Attorney General.  I would direct him to have the Justice Dept. do three things.  First, arrest and indict George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Donald Rumsfeld, John Ashcroft, Alberto Gonzales, Condoleeza Rice, along with White House councils David Addington, Jay Bybee, and John Yoo.  They would be charged with war crimes, crimes against humanity, and treason (for outing CIA agent Valeria Plame during a time of war).  Second, begin an investigation of Wall Street and the Federal Reserve for misappropriation of funds, or whatever dozens of laws they’ve been breaking.  Third, launch an investigation into the railroading of former Alabama Governor Don Siegelman (hey, Karl Rove’s greasy fingers again).  I realize I’d be asking a lot from the Justice Dept, and would appoint a few hundred extra U.S. Attorneys, if necessary.
    If I couldn’t do it by Executive Order, I’d push the Democratic Congress in the strongest possible terms to nationalize the banks and begin an audit of the Federal Reserve Bank.  The nation’s monetary supply should be operated as a public utility, and not left in the hands of thieves and scoundrels.
    Then I would relax with a nice round of golf.
    After a good night’s sleep, I would issue my first Executive Order, to close down Guantanamo Bay and all other black prisons, and begin planning the trials of all inmates in federal courts, not military tribunals.
    I would urge Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid to change the Senate rules and severely limit the filibuster rule, and get rid of the rule permitting a single Senator to block any bill.  Of course, Reid would have to make that decision himself.
    I would pressure Congress to allot proper funds to immediately begin withdrawing troops from Iraq and Afghanistan.  And I mean starting tomorrow morning.  I would ask Congress to appropriate the necessary funds.  I’d also urge them, again in the strongest possible way to cut Pentagon funding in half.  That $400 Billion would be used to launch a massive program to rebuild the nation’s infrastructure, creating millions of jobs.  It would operate much like FDR’s Civilian Conservation Corps.
    There would be no more “targeted killings” (assassinations) by drones.  It’s against international law, and it violates our Constitution, to which I have taken an oath to protect.  That such a thing could have even come to pass showed a flagrant disregard for the principles which we claim set us apart from other nations.
    The heinous practice of warrantless wiretapping, whether by the NSA, CIA, or FBI, is a violation of the 4th Amendment and will cease immediately.
    The health care bill I’d envision would have to be a single-payer, universal care plan, and I would veto anything else.  We’re through being the only one of the developed nations with a privatized, pay-or-die system.
    In September 2009, while I was addressing Congress, and Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC)  said “You lie!” in the middle of my speech, I would stop and approach him.  In a calm voice I would say, “Congressman, you don’t have to respect me, but you WILL respect this office.  Sergeant At Arms!  Remove this man from the chamber.”  Then I’d remount the podium and finish my speech.
    Earlier this year, upon landing at Phoenix Airport, when Arizona Governor Jan Brewer shook her finger in my face (you’ve all seen the photos), I would very calmly tell her, “Governor, you’d better get that bony finger out of my face before I crack it off and feed it to you.  I’m not going to have my Secret Service do it, because I want the pleasure myself.  Are we clear?”
    During 2012, with so many Republican-controlled states passing voter ID laws, I would urge the Dept. of Justice to place injunctions on whatever of those laws they could, and would urge Congress to halt any government funding to those states.  On Election Day, Nov. 6th, I would have National Guard, Army, or U.S. Marines to be placed at every polling place in said states, with orders to shoot anyone who tries to deny any registered voter the right to vote.
    I would lobby Congress to halt all subsidies to the fossil fuel and nuclear industries, and give them instead to businesses developing renewable resources.  We cannot continue wasting planetary resources for a 19th Century fuel.
    I would direct the Dept. of Homeland Security to designate the National Rifle Association as a terrorist organization, and push for sensible gun control laws.
    I would urge Congress to raise the federal minimum wage to at least $10 an hour, but I’d push for $12.  That’s closer to a living wage.  The entire focus of my first term would be based on a simple idea:  that the purpose of government is to serve ALL the people, and to protect them from the predations of runaway capitalism, to help create a society where everyone could prosper, not merely the wealthy.
    Speaking of the wealthy, I want to put the top corporate and marginal tax rates  to 51%.  I’m tired of these fat pigs sponging off the American people.  They’re either going to start paying their fair share or I’m going to deport their butts to Somalia.
    I realize my Dirty Harry Goes to Washington stance would earn me a plethora of enemies, but going in I would have already known that these right-wing, racist cracker-asses were going to hate me from the start, and I would get the jump on them.  Anyone else who thinks I’d be going to far, relax.  I’m never going to be the President.  But if I were . . .

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