The Real Threats to Democracy
These are dangerous times for America. Our foreign policy over the past 100 years has made us plenty of enemies. There are those who would destroy our way of life unless we remain ever vigilant. Since 9/11 we’ve all been on the alert for terrorists who want to attack us again. Because of all this anxiety there has been much confusion and hysteria over who, and who is not, a threat to us. I hope I can bring some perspective to the situation.
First, let’s look at some misconceptions, things that many people consider to be threats, but are not. The Supreme Court’s controversial Citizens United decision essentially declared that corporations are people and money is free speech. This is not a threat to our democracy; quite the contrary. The more money you have the freer you are, so when we’re all millionaires, we’ll all be free. That’s a good thing. Billionaires like the Koch brothers, who will buy this and all future elections, are simply engaged in free enterprise, and isn’t that what America is all about?
Our brave troops overseas have been accused of inflaming Muslim hatred against the U.S. by murdering innocent civilians in sovereign nations who never attacked us. What they’re really doing is protecting us from people who hate us because we murdered innocent civilians who happened to be their relatives. We’re just trying to help our puppet dictators bring stability to the region. If we can kill them over there, we won’t have to kill them here. See?
There are many who believe the massive surveillance of every single phone call, tweet, text message, and email we make threatens our freedom, violating our rights of free expression and privacy. But how can our intelligence agencies protect our sacred freedoms unless they have access to all our communications?
The 30,000 unmanned drones that will fill our skies in the next few years will be no threat to our privacy, either. All involved have unanimously promised us these drones will only be used for good. No, really.
The 800 or more right-wing extremist militias are no threat to us, either. They only want to take their country back — back to when blacks knew their place and didn’t talk back, and when women stayed home and shut up. Also, they will be our first line of defense against the UN troops who are coming here to enforce the new North American Union.
Hyper-militarized police forces who look like teenage mutant ninja turtles may seem threatening, but they’re protecting us from unarmed, peaceful citizens who are out in the streets impeding the flow of traffic and commerce.
Some on the Left feel threatened by the Tea Party, simply because of some misspelled racist signs, spitting on black U.S. Congressmen, and their general right-wing insanity. I wonder what ever happened to them. Oh, that’s right. They’re in Congress now.
Now let’s look at the real threats not only to our way of life, but our very survival as the greatest country on earth. Obviously we have to start with Muslims. They hate us for our freedoms, of course, and not for invading their countries to steal their resources. You know what they say — not all Muslims are terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslims (except for Ted Kaczynski, Eric Rudolph, Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols, Dylan Kliebold and Eric Harris, Seung-Hui Cho, Scott Roeder, Jared Lee Loughner, Joseph Stack, James Holmes, and Wade Michael Page, but you get my point).
Sikhs — they may be one of the world’s most peaceful religions, but with those beards and turbans they look just like Muslims, don’t they? Better not to risk it.
Seniors — instead of working till they drop, they’re piling debt on our children with entitlement programs like Social Security and Medicare, which don’t add a cent to the deficit. Just because they paid into them out of every paycheck for 40 or 50 years, that doesn’t mean they’re entitled to them, does it?
Commie pinko atheist America-hating liberals — they are actively trying to prevent us from bringing God back to our government. Their blasphemies like facts and science threaten our sacred right to be ignorant bigots.
Whistleblowers — traitors like PFC Bradley Manning and Julian Assange threaten
us by exposing systemic corruption and shady diplomacy, war crimes committed by our own troops and political leaders, and other government high crimes and misdemeanors that the people have a right to know.
President Obama — this Muslim, Kenyan, Stalinist, Maoist, communist, Marxist socialist Antichrist wants to take our guns away. The fact that he’s actually eased gun laws is just a ruse to lull us into complacency until his second term.
Unions — these thugs who teach our children, protect us from criminals, and pull us out of burning buildings, want to be paid decent wages, the greedy bastards!
Gay people — because they are unable to reproduce, they must recruit our children into their homoSEXual agenda (which is to be able to marry the person they want, not be discriminated against at their jobs or anywhere else, and be free of bullying).
Protesters — these people are a real danger. Recycled hippies, recent college graduates, along with a wide range of demographic groups, choosing to occupy their own public spaces to express their fist Amendment rights. They must be dealt with in the harshest possible terms. And they will be.
And the worst, most perilous of threats to America — TAXES! The government wants to take YOUR money that you worked so hard for, and waste it on roads, bridges, teachers, police and firefighters. We don’t need any of that. You can home school your children (between working two jobs). There they’ll learn proper Christian values instead of that science nonsense. You have a gun, don’t you? Then you don’t need police. Got a fire extinguisher and garden hose? Then what do you need with a fire department? The potholes are easy to drive around, but I’d stay off bridges, if I were you. Some of them haven’t been worked on for decades. We don’t even need the Armed Forces. We have 300 million guns in this country. That’s more than enough to repel any invasion. Of course, that means we won’t be able to invade any more countries to steal their resources, but we all have to make sacrifices, don’t we?