Right Wing Jesus

Right Wing Jesus

   I can’t abide these Christian fundamentalists.  They show up at soldiers’ funerals with hateful anti-gay signs.  They get completely hysterical (no pun intended) over women’s reproductive rights.  They seem oblivious to the suffering of the poor and needy.  Have they never heard of the New Testament, love, or their all-universe quarterback, Jesus?  Maybe, sometime between now and back then, we got thrown into some bizarro parallel dimension.  This set me thinking about what their bizarro Jesus would be like.  Not for them some scruffy, bearded, long-haired, unemployed, homeless Jew who hung out with lepers and prostitutes.  Their Jesus would have to reflect their real values – – greed, ignorance, and bigotry.  So let’s get into the way-back machine and see if we can answer the question, WWRWJD? – – What Would Right-Wing Jesus Do?
   Okay, we’ve gone back some 2000 years or so, and hey!  Here comes Right Wing Jesus now, magnificently bedecked in a jewel-encrusted robe and Gucci sandals, and wearing a crown of diamonds.  Something’s hanging down from it, they look like – – yes, they’re tea-bags.  His brown-shirted disciples clear the way before him, shoving small children aside, elbowing blind beggars into the ditch.  A crippled leper approaches him.  “Get thee hence, thou unclean troglodyte!” growls Right-Wing Jesus.  And now they come upon a crowd about to stone a prostitute.  “Stop!” yells Right-Wing Jesus.  “Let me who is without sin among you cast the first stone!”  The crowd goes wild.
   Oh, my.  How can such a thing be?  Maybe we should look in on him while he was on that campout in the wilderness for forty days.

   The devil taketh him into an exceeding high mountain, and sheweth him all the kingdoms of the world, and the glory of them; and saith unto him, All these things will I give thee, if thou wilt fall down and worship me.  Right-Wing Jesus looks around for a moment, grabs the devil’s claw in one hand, and says, “Hell, yeah!  It’s a deal, brother!”

   Well, that explains a lot, doesn’t it?  Here we see Right-Wing Jesus enter a temple and bless the money changers.  He finds also a great number of the poor, who have gathered to worship.  And when he has made a scourge of small cords, he drives them all from the temple.  Later, he meets a man who is afflicted with demons.  “What is thy name?” he asks the man.  “My name is legion, for we are many” the man answers.  Right-Wing Jesus gently places a hand on the man’s head and says, “Carry on, boys!”  Oh!  We’re just in time for the Sermon on the Amount!

   “Cursed be he that fudge-packeth his brother; they have both committed an abomination. Nor shall a women lie with a woman as she lieth with a man; they shall both be put to death.  And if any woman seek to put out the seed of a man from her womb, she shall be burnt with fire.  Nor shall she seek to plan her parenthood, nor otherwise be screened in any way for disease. Cursed is he who defileth himself.  He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

   Blessed are the wealthy, for they shall inherit the earth.  Blessed are the missles called Peacemakers, for they shall smite thy enemies.  Blessed are the merciless, for the enemies of God deserve no mercy.  Blessed are ye who revile, persecute, and say all manner of evil, for my sake.  When ye see those who are en hungered, give them no meat; thirsty, give them no drink; naked, clothe them not; sick and in prison, comfort them not.  Cursed are the poor, for they render nought unto Caesar.

   Therefore, when thou doest thine alms, sound a trumpet before thee, that all shall know.  And when thou prayest, stand in the churches and in the streets, that ye may be seen of men.  Lay up for yourselves treasures upon earth, so that men may know you are favored by God.  Rejoice, for great is they reward in heaven.  Hate your enemies, curse them that bless you, and do evil to them that love you.”

   Here’s maybe the best thing about Right-Wing Jesus.  He would never have been crucified, or even put on trial.  The Romans and Pharisees would have just loved this guy!  And who knows; with the penchant these people have for re-Righting history, Right-Wing Jesus may soon be coming to a Bible near you!

[Coyote Note:  One of the verses in the above sermon is taken verbatim from the Old Testament, King James version.  Can you find it?]

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