Santapocalypse Now!

Santapocalypse Now!

by Earnest Prankheimer

    My Christmas wish is to offer you a caution, nay, a warning, to you parents out there. Before you allow a total stranger into your home while you sleep, before you passively give easy access to your children by this same stranger, you should know a little more about him. You know of whom I speak — the jolly fat man. Ho-ho-ho indeed. What’s so damned funny, anyway? What is he so happy about? What’s his real agenda, bringing gifts to children? Uh-huh, you bet. We’ll find out a little later what he’s really bringing.
    People need to wake up. This guy is one of the 1%, just another oligarch. Think about it; who gets the most and best toys? The rich kids. And who gets bupkis? The poor, as usual. The bad kids, if you remember, get a lump of coal in their stockings. Where is he getting all this coal? How is he paying for the massive amount of raw materials it takes to make all the toys, millions if not billions of them? I think he’s heavily invested in fossil fuels, but that’s just speculation on my part. What about his vast workforce? They’re all undocumented workers, aren’t they? They’re probably getting slave wages, too, because he won’t let the Elvish Labor Federation (E.L.F.) go up there to organize the workers.
    On Christmas Eve Santa violates the air space of every sovereign nation. No one gets to look through that big bag of his. There could be anything in there. He could be smuggling drugs for Mexican cartels or weapons to Islamic terrorists, for all we know. We’re talking about a really unsavory character here, a serial home invader, promoting greed and crass materialism, with associations to candy and other unhealthy sweets to rot the teeth, and a possible national security threat as well. Something else to think about is whether you can sue Santa Claus. That sleigh of his must weigh tons, with enough toys for the world’s children. Hell, the weight of the reindeer alone would be enough to do serious damage to most rooftops. Who has to pay for that? You do.
    I am now going to reveal an inconvenient and frightening truth: Santa Claus is in fact the Devil, or more properly, the antichrist. I prefer to call him the Santachrist. Before you laugh yourself silly, please allow me to lay out my case. Scholars and theologians have said the antichrist will be of European (Caucasian) descent. Saint Nicholas, Kris Kringle, they both have origins in Russia and Northern Europe, don’t they? Old St. Nick, he’s sometimes called, which sounds a little too much like Old Nick, a term for the Devil. What happens when you scramble the letters in Santa? You get Satan. “He will be extremely charismatic . . . he will perform works, wonders, and miracles . . .” Yes, he knows if you’ve been sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good, for God’s sake. It sounds to me like he’s working for the NSA. Have you ever asked yourself what kind of propulsion system the sleigh uses? Unless reindeer can fly. And what kind of genetic freak did he create when you have one reindeer with a lamp for a nose? We’ve seen numerous depictions of him in that sleigh, whip raised high. Imagine how the flanks of those poor animals must look like after being whipped around the world; raw, bleeding, perhaps scarred for life.
    Let’s go to the source for most of the prophecies — the Book of Daniel. Daniel 7:20 (as it appears in my King James) describes him, “ . . . whose look [is] more stout than his fellows. That sounds like our man, alright. Daniel 11:21 says “He shall come in peaceably and obtain the kingdom by flatteries.” Daniel 11:24: “He shall enter peaceably even upon the fattest places of the province; and he shall . . . scatter among them . . . riches.” Then in Daniel 11:36 we read “He will not answer to a higher earthly authority; he shall do according to his will.”
    Do you know where Santa got that nifty outfit he wears? It wasn’t Vera Wang, I can tell you. The ancient shamans of Northern Europe, primarily in what are now the Scandinavian countries, took a common hallucinogenic mushroom, the amanita muscaria. This is the same “magic mushroom” found throughout ancient cultures throughout Europe and Asia. It’s a deadly poisonous mushroom, but ancients seem to have found ways to remove the toxin. Under its influence, practitioners were said to “fly” through the air, as well as to other worldly realms. It may be related to the mode of travel of medieval witches, broomsticks notwithstanding (I think we may have solved the sleigh propulsion problem). There are many varieties of amanita, but the muscaria is distinguished by its bright red cap, with white spots. The Northern shamans wore red clothing with white buttons. So now we’ve also got the connection with drugs. Still want him hanging around with the kiddies?
    All this is certainly bad enough, but it gets even worse, I’m afraid. Think about Santa’s travel route on Christmas Eve. In order to get all those gifts delivered to all the kids around the world before Christmas morning, he’d logically follow the Earth’s rotation into darkness beginning in Asia, then working his way through Europe and Africa before he got to the Americas. Do you understand the implications of all that? In Central Africa he will be exposed numerous times to the ebola virus. Since he personally handles each gift, by the time he gets here there will be ebola all over everything. That’s right — the Santachrist is going to give your children ebola! And by the time symptoms show up in one to three weeks, he’ll be long gone, the bastard.
    Obviously we have a very dangerous situation, but don’t worry. I have found a solution, and it’s so elegant in its simplicity, I’m amazed no one else has thought of it. All you have to do is buy all the gifts yourself, then write “from Santa” on each one. The kids will never know, and the economy can sure use the boost. No no, don’t thank me. I just want everyone to have a safe and Merry Christmas!

The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin

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