Solutions for Homelessness
By Earnest Prankheimer
We’ve got to do something about all these homeless people. You can’t walk down the street without some hobo asking you for spare change. It’s just not fair that decent, hard-working people should have to feel uncomfortable because of these derelicts. They’re dirty, they smell, and some of them seem a little crazy. Who are the homeless? They fall into three categories: alcoholics and addicts, the mentally ill (Thanks, President Reagan!), and the rest choose to be “home free,” including the children, I guess. They’re too lazy to go out and get a job (whether one exists or not) because they have no motivation. You’d think they were born without bootstraps. We don’t even know how many there are. The 2010 census couldn’t get an accurate count, because hello — they’re homeless! No matter what you hear, none of these people are there because the job they worked for twenty years got shipped to China, or their homes got foreclosed on (often fraudulently). And they’re a tremendous drag on society. We’re tired of our tax dollars being wasted on shelters, food, and medical services for people that won’t help themselves. That money could be much better spent bombing wedding parties in Afghanistan. Well, I have a few ideas that will realistically deal with this problem.
Make them go away. We don’t want to see them. If only someone would invent an aerosol spray that would turn them invisible, that would be perfect. Many big cities have passed ordinances to give the homeless a one-way bus ticket to Anywhere, U.S.A. Hawaii just passed a state law that will give them a one-way flight (bus travel from Hawaii is impractical) — we don’t care where you go, but you can’t stay here. In Seattle there was a long-time homeless camp called “Nickelsville,” that was just closed down on Sep. 1st. It had about 100 residents, and was located in West Seattle among other businesses, who had complained. We see this in many big cities; nobody wants to see these people. They need to go away, but shipping them like cattle from a city that doesn’t want them to another city that doesn’t want them, is no solution. Can’t they live in the woods, or something? Maybe there are some abandoned tunnels we can put them in.
Stop feeding them. I couldn’t say it better than Congressman Paul Broun (R-GA) in 2011, when he compared the poor to stray animals. If you keep feeding them they’ll never go away, he said. And police departments across the nation have answered the call. Members of the activist group Food Not Bombs have been arrested in San Francisco and Orlando, to name a few cities, for handing out food to the homeless. Just last month In Raleigh, NC, Love Wins Ministries was told they face arrest if they hand out food to the homeless in the city park, where they’ve been doing so for six years. They now need a Health Dept. sanctioned permit to distribute food, which costs $1600 for a weekend. It warms the heart to see such Christian virtues on display for all to see.
Bum fights were popular in Southern California a few years ago. Find a couple of bums, and pay them a few bucks to fight each other. You can film them and share with your friends or post them on You Tube. It’s fun for the whole family!
Criminalize homelessness. If we can’t get rid of them, let’s see if we can make a buck from their suffering. Nickelsville was named for former Mayor Greg Nickels, whose police fined them for sitting or lying down. Because these people’s lives aren’t miserable enough; let’s punish them. I doubt they’ll be a reliable revenue source, though, given their situation. And fines aren’t enough, anyway. I say let’s put them in jail and get them back to work. If you’re found unable to prove you have a residence (papers, please), off you go. It should be a private prison, though. That way these wretches will be contributing to the economy, as cheap prison labor. At 25 cents an hour, they’ll save small businesses a big drain on their costs, therefore stimulating growth. They’ll also create more jobs, as the demand for poorly trained and under paid guards will increase. As the economy continues downward, there will be more and more homeless to replenish those prison workers who collapse from exhaustion or malnutrition.
Yes, I know it means splitting up families, but these are unfit parents anyway, aren’t they? And no, we’re not going to put the little children to work. What are we, savages? They’ll grow up in juvenile detention centers (privately owned, of course). Still, given the nation’s financial situation, eventually the homeless population will explode, and the prisons are already overcrowded. In this economy it will be a challenge for new prison construction to keep up with the rising population. What then will we do with the excess homeless?
Feed them all to the rich (but only after we’ve worked them to death). The meat would be lean, that’s for sure, and because the average life expectancy of a homeless person is about forty-seven years, it won’t be stringy or tough. The children’s succulent flesh can furnish the tables of wealth and power, as Jonathan Swift wrote in “A Modest Proposal.” It will give a new definition to baby back ribs. Oh, don’t get all righteous with me. The wealthy have already cannibalized everything else in the country over the last thirty years, what are a few ribs? So you see, there are no problems that can’t be solved by American ingenuity and our capacity for innovation. That’s what makes this the greatest country ever, isn’t it?
I know there are some who would like a more a final solution; getting rid of them altogether. Round them up, put them on trains, and send them to the camps for a shower. There is precedent for this kind of thing, but it has always met with derision by the global community. and doubtless would again.
There are good reasons we prefer to make the homeless invisible. They’re looking more and more like the rest of us, and we’d rather not be reminded that many of us are one missed paycheck from being down there with them. Speaking of reminders, I have one for those who would demonize the poor and needy:
“Verily I say unto you, inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.” — Matthew 25:40