Text of Professor Prankheimer’s Speech
I am Professor Earnest Prankheimer, BS, GPS, and OED, and I’m running for President as your only true conservative pro-life candidate. Oh, it’s all well and good to ban abortion, and even contraception. Why, the last thing we conservatives want is for women to be in charge of their own sexuality and reproductive systems. But these well-meaning efforts don’t go far enough.
If you’re pro-life you have to be for all life. You can’t just be pro zygote, pro gamete, pro blastocyst or pro fetus — as in, those filthy liberals are always looking for ways to defeat us. Life doesn’t begin at conception, it begins in the ovaries and testicles. Eggs and sperm are alive too, and thus they deserve our protection. The live eggs shed each month in a woman’s menstrual cycle become nothing more than the innocent victims of negligent homicide, and when men polish their Bishop, well, now you’re talking about mass murder on the order of millions!
These criminal activities must be prosecuted to the full extent of the law! To ensure compliance, as your President, I will order the installation of Masturbation Ovulation Monitors, or MOMs, to be placed in the bedroom, bathroom and living room of every American. Because, who doesn’t love their moms? Closets will be exempt, because as a conservative, I don’t believe in big government — except, of course, to use it to disenfranchise women, gay people, minorities, and the poor. Any and all other activities leading to the loss of innocent life must be abolished; the brutal harvesting of food crops, butchering animals for their meat, mowing lawns, the trimming and pruning of trees and SHRUBBERIES*, haircuts, and the indiscriminate clipping of finger and toenails, containing live cells.
I think some of you pro-life people are a bit confused. How can you be against abortion, and at the very same time also be against the most efficient means of preventing unwanted pregnancies leading to abortion, contraception? It makes you look like a bunch of damned fools! And you can’t call yourself pro-life unless you are also anti-war. Oh, ye hypocrites, knuckle-draggers, booger-pickers, uncircumcised Philistines! My fellow Americans, we must rise up and take this country back! Why, as I’m speaking to you now, heteroSEXuals are teaching YOUR children in the schools. Avowed heteroSEXuals! It’s an outrage!
That’s why you should vote for me, the most conservative candidate. I’m more conservative than Newt Gingrich, a tactician, Mitt Romney, a Patrician, Dr. Ron Paul, a physician, or even Rick don’t-bogart-that-fetus** Santorum, with his missionary position. (Aside) Rick! Get off that dog! Mitt — put him in a carrier and strap him to the top of your car. No, Mitt, not the dog, Santorum! And get him to an exorcist! And make sure he pays, so he doesn’t get repossessed!
I’m so sorry, where were we? Ah yes. I will neither solicit, nor will I accept, any campaign contributions — money has so corrupted the political process. All I ask is that you remember my name — Earnest Prankheimer — and write that name on your Presidential ballot this November. Just a reminder to Republicans, this year you vote on Wednesday, Nov. 7th, so don’t forget. Until then, read more of me at Wryly Coyote. Thank you, my fellow Americans, good night, and may God bless the self-righteous. We know who we are. Prankheimer out!
- a nod to the film “Monty Python and the Holy Grail.”
** Santorum’s wife miscarried a child at about 20 weeks, and he took the fetus home to share with the family