Surviving the Mayan Apocalypse
Only thirty-one shopping days until the end of civilization. Are you ready? Some will tell you that Dec. 21st, 2012, is merely the end of the last recorded cycle, and that’s true enough. But the previous four cycles all ended in giant cataclysms, so it figures that this one will, too. To begin with, you should already have emergency supplies like flashlight, batteries, drinking water, and first aid kit, in case of floods, tornadoes, etc. If not, well, you’re probably not going to be around for long.
For those of you interested in survival, I have a few tips that may help. First, you should locate the nearest nuclear power plant within, say, 100 miles, then check the prevailing winds. Without electricity to cool the fuel rods, it will melt down and release tons of deadly radiation. You don’t want to be downwind of that. Next, you should see if there is a survivalist camp in your area, noting the location on the map. You do have a map of the area, right? Well come back to them a bit later.
Okay, let’s go shopping. You’re going to need a Geiger counter. There are over 400 nuclear reactors worldwide, and they’ll all be melting down, so you’re going to have to monitor your crops and the rainfall for the next several thousand years. Get extra batteries. You’ll need one of those radios that generate their own power with a crank on the side. You never know, someday there could be news. Then buy up all the ammunition you can for your guns. You do have guns, don’t you? Hit the supermarket next. Buy lots of seed for next Spring. Stay away from GMOs if you can (and don’t get that terminator seed of Monsanto’s; it produces sterile seed). Clean the shelves of all the dried beans, rice, and canned food you can. If anyone is in your way, just shove ‘em aside. To hell with them, you’ve got a family to feed! Don’t forget manual can openers. They’re not made very well, so get several. Candles — you’ll need lots and lots of candles. Find a motorcycle shop and buy lots of leather, studs, and spikes, so you can look like Mad Max. These things won’t do a thing to protect you, but you will feel more empowered, and the psychological aspect will be important.
Next, clean out all your bank accounts, because paper money and cheap alloy coins will be worthless. Purchase all the gold coins you can afford. You may need to buy more food or ammo, or pay off the local warlord, and whoever you deal with most likely won’t be able to make change for an ingot. Now for the best part: quit your job. Don’t bother to give a reason; you don’t owe these people a damned thing. Before you go, personally tell your boss all the things you’ve ever wanted to say to him/her over the years. Don’t hold anything back; this is the opportunity of a lifetime Be honest, you’ve been fantasizing about this for a long time, haven’t you?
Alright, you should be stocked up pretty well. Have you forgotten anything? I’ll give you a hint — it’s WINTER! You’re going to need lots of wood to burn, and a corner to turn into a fireplace. No, don’t try to burn the furniture. It’s been treated with toxic chemicals, and you’ll poison yourself. Besides, you’re going to need the furniture to pile up against the doors to keep marauding gangs out. Do you have plenty of books? Remember, there won’t be any TV, DVD, 4G or LT. During those rare moments when you’re not foraging for food or wood, or fighting off marauding gangs, you’ll want to sit back and relax a bit. On a side note, are you on good terms with your neighbors? If so, you may want to form a marauding gang of your own, or at least a neighborhood militia.
Sometime on Dec. 21st the fit will hit the Shan, as they say, and the electric grid will go down, and all communications along with it. But to paraphrase Bob Dylan, you won’t need the Weather Channel to know which way the wind blows. The forecast is for firestorms, volcanoes, earthquakes, and tsunamis. Just ride it out as best you can. Once it’s safe to go out again, head for the pharmacy. You’re going to want to write yourself a prescription for all the antibiotics you can find. No, it’s not looting, it’s a salvage operation. You’ll probably run into addicts looking for drugs. Do not engage in a shoot out; offer to help them. Tell them what you are looking for — anything ending in –cillin or –myecin. See how we can all work together in a time of crisis? What a great country!
Remember that survivalist camp? After some months, you’ll be running low on food and ammo. Go up to that camp, and you’ll find more food and ammo than you can carry. Don’t worry, they’ll all be dead. They’ll be the first ones to go. Whatever you can’t carry, stash somewhere away from the camp for later.
Let’s see, I know there’s something else. Oh yeah, bodily waste. You’ll want to do all your business in the area you’ve selected for your garden. The crops will really appreciate the fertilizer. Eventually, though, you’ll need to move out into the country, where it’s a little safer and a lot cleaner.
Obviously, your new life will be quite an adjustment. I mean, how are you going to live without updating your Facebook page? No more reality shows, ESPN, the Food Channel, Comedy Central. No CNN, MSNBC, or Fox (alleged) News. Good God, no more Big Bird or anything else on PBS. Nobody said it won’t be rough. For me, it’s the lack of coffee and tobacco that will do me in; I can’t imagine waking up without a cup of java and a cigarette. No matter how bad things get, do not eat your dog or cat. After all, we’re not savages, are we?
Why not look at the bright side. You’re never going to have to update your Facebook page, ever again. No more reality shows, CNN, MSNBC, or Fox (alleged) News. No more annoying TV ads. No more right-wing hate radio. No more mass government surveillance of all your phone calls, emails, texts and tweets. You’re feeling better already, aren’t you? You’ll never have to worry about that nasty morning commute again, either. You’ll still need to be up early, though. The days are short in winter, so you’ll spend most of the daylight hours foraging for food or wood. As the days get longer and warmer, you’ll have more time to read, or maybe keep a journal.
After a few years, all the batteries for the Geiger counter and flashlight will be dead as doornails. You DID get rechargeable ones, didn’t you? By this time, you should have figured out how to generate your own electricity. If not, well, it’s been nice knowing you. Yeah, this new life is hard work alright, but it’s not so bad. Being out here in nature is nice, growing your own food, hunting and fishing. Of course, there is that plague in the next village; that could be a problem (cough cough). Let’s try the radio again.