The National Libertarian Football League

Politicians on the Right who represent the 1%, rather than those who elected them, have been ramping up the “regulations are job-killers” rhetoric.  They want to abolish the EPA, the FDA, and any other agency that might hinder their corporate owners from plundering the rest of the country’s resources.  This  Libertarian, free market codswallop inspired the following narrative.


The National Libertarian Football League

Hank:  Hi, and welcome to the inaugural game of the National Libertarian Football League!  I’m Hank Wanker and next to me is Billy Hickman.  Say hello, Billy.

Billy:  Hi, Hank!  It’s great to be here tonight!

Hank:  Yes, we’ve got a dandy, I think, between the Midwest AynRanders and the Oil City Drillers.  Now I should explain to the folks that this league was founded on the basic principles of individual responsibility and personal freedom.  Every player will be free to fulfill his absolute potential without the restraints imposed by burdensome rules and regulations.  Billy, you wanna tell them how this is different from socialist football?  You know, where all the players work together to achieve a common goal or something?

Billy:  You bet.  This is free market football, Hank.  There are no yard lines, down markers, or goal posts.  And because there are no officials, there can’t be penalties, can there?  Teams can field as many players as they can afford.  The AynRanders are backed by the Koch Brothers, so they’ll have 42 players on offense & defense, while the Drillers will only have 27.

Hank:  So then you’d have to say the Randers are heavy favorites, wouldn’t you?

Billy:  Oh yeah, Hank.  And the team with the most money can decide where the other team has to kick off, rather than some random coin-toss.  That’s a big advantage.

Hank:  What about weapons?

Billy:  There are no limits!  Of course that means the players have a whole lot more protective armor than what we’re used to.

Hank:  No kidding.  Mad Max meets the Oakland Raiders’ fans.  Well, I see we’re about ready for kickoff.  The AynRanders will receive, and the Drillers will kick off from their far end of the field.  Okay, here we go.  The ambulances and med-evac choppers are standing by – – let the free market decide!

Billy:  And Eric Mammon gets the kick, blockers up front, and whoa!  Some guy just got clocked with a lead pipe!  Man, that’s gonna leave a mark.  Mammon is down to the, well, deep in Drillers’ territory, before he’s tackled.  Oh-oh!  A fight has broken out, and the benches are clearing.  They’re all over the field, really going at each other.  Wow – – that shot was close!

Hank:  Don’t worry Billy, we’ve got bullet-proof glass up here.  Boy, what a melee!  It may be awhile before we get the next play in, so this is probably a good time to take a break for our sponsors, Koch Industries.

{four and a half hours later}

Hank:  Well, it looks like we’re finally ready for the first play from scrimmage  The dead and wounded have been taken care of, and their first of kin notified.  So what’s the body count, Billy?

Billy:  All told, Hank, 18 dead, 57 wounded.  That includes the grandstands.

Hank:  Okay, then.  The players are breaking the huddle, and . . . what the hell?  It looks like the Randers are arguing amongst themselves.  Let’s go down to Brandi Alexander, on the sidelines.  Brandi?

Brandi:  Yes, Hank, I’m here near the Randers’ bench, and what I’m hearing is that each of the players thinks he would be the best quarterback, and they’re fighting over the football.  Hank?

Hank:  Thanks, Brandi.  You know, Billy, I’m beginning to wonder if this whole thing was such a good idea, after all.

Billy:  I hear that.  Let’s go get a drink.

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