Trump Hairpiece Enters Race
To the delight of comedians far and wide, Donald Trump has thrown his, uh, hat into the ring. He’s running for president on the Republican ticket, of course, which is already replete with whack jobs, moon bats, and other assorted lobotomites. He made the announcement June 16th from (where else?) the Trump Tower in Manhattan. He descended on a gilded escalator like some cut-rate made in China sold at WalMart American pharaoh. His descent from on high was to Neil Young’s “Rockin’ In the Free World.” Later a spokesman for Young said the artist had not authorized the use of his song, and by the way, he was a supporter of Bernie Sanders.
“Whoa. That’s some kind of crowd! Thousands!” Yes, Donald, I’m sure it was huge. Huuuge! Actually it was hundreds, and many were actors from a nearby casting agency hired for three hours and $50 to wear T-shirts and wave signs, according to The Hollywood Reporter. Trump launched into what’s been described as a stream-of-consciousness ramble that went on for nearly an hour, though it may have seemed longer. “Sadly, the American dream is dead, but if I get elected president I will bring it back, bigger and better than ever,” he said. “I don’t need anyone else’s money. I don’t care, I’m really rich. I have a total net worth of $8.7 billion (Forbes reported less than half that in May, $4.1 billion). I’m not doing that to brag. I’m doing that to show that’s the kind of thinking our country needs.” It seems to be that our country has had far too much of that kind of thinking.
It was his stance on immigration that made all the headlines, though. “Mexico is not sending us their best,” he said, as though the government of Mexico was loading people onto buses and shipping them northwards. He called them criminals and rapists, interjecting “and some I assume are good people, but . . .” He said that as President he’d build “a great, great wall” on the Southern border, and make Mexico pay for it. You see, China already has a Great Wall, so Trump’s wall must be a great great wall. Damn, I guess the Chinese even beat us to that one.
Reaction was predictable and swift. Spanish language network Univision cancelled airing the upcoming Miss USA pageant, which Trump has owned since 1996. In retaliation, Trump banned all Univision employees from the Doral golf course in Miami, one of his properties, and said he’ll sue Univision “for a tremendous amount of money.” By tremendous, I assume he means huge. Huuuge. Then NBC, which airs his reality show “The Apprentice,” also canceled their airing of the pageant. Again Trump took a retaliatory tone: “They’d rather back their big fat liar Brian Williams than me, because I always tell the truth.” When criticized by the very conservative The National Review, he replied, “William F. Buckley must be spinning in his grave; they have a bunch of lowlifes over there.” After former Florida Governor and competitor Jeb Bush criticized his comments, Trump replied that Bush has to be nice to the Mexicans because he married one (which is true). In the meantime, piñatas have become a pretty hot item south of the border, down Mexico way.
A few days after he declared, he was on Michael Savage’s radio show, calling his Republican opponents “nothings,” and unfit to shine his shoes (in contravention of Reagan’s 11th Commandment: Speak ye no evil of other Republicans). He’s been having on ongoing twitter feud with Danny Zuker, Executive Producer of TV’s “Modern Family,” that makes him sound like a playground 4th grader. Zuker really knows how to push Trump’s buttons, and Trump keeps falling in. His shoot-from-the-lip style makes him appear clownish, but I would never denigrate such an ancient and noble profession by calling him a clown, even if he has the prerequisite fright wig. Where are his handlers, his advisers who tell him to dial it back a little? They’re probably all toadies and yes men, afraid to challenge the man who has become famous for those two words: “You’re fired!” So Trump is pretty much cage-free to explore the outer limits of boorishness. In fact, I’d say he’s got the B’s well covered: bombastic, brash, bellowing, blaring, boisterous, belligerent, blustering, bloviating, bullying, bristling, bigoted, brusque, and let’s not forget basically bald, a bullshitting buffoon, a blowhard of bad behavior. And throw in bankrupt since we’re at it; four or five times, about the same number as his divorces.
Will there be anyone left that he hasn’t offended before he drops out of the race? Vegas odds are a toss-up on that one. So who in hell is left to vote for him? And yet he’s a pretty solid #2 in most polls, and I don’t mean that in the hot, steaming pile sense. There are many reasons for his strong showing. One is that Americans are idiots, which should be painfully obvious by now. Another is that people like politicians that don’t dance around, but say up front what’s on their minds. It’s rare while being refreshing. That’s why they like New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, too. He’s not afraid to say what they are thinking.
Even a madman, they say, has occasional moments of lucidity; or even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in awhile; or even a stopped clock is right twice a day. Take your pick. Many pundits say one reason Trump is resonating with people is his stance on trade: “China is killing us. Mexico is killing us. Japan is killing us . . . we don’t have our best and brightest making these trade deals.” And he’s correct, despite the hypocrisy that his clothing line (which Macy’s just stopped selling) bears the tags: “Made in China.” He’s also one of only two candidates who are even talking about trade, the other being Bernie Sanders. There the similarity ends, though. Bernie is a sane man and committed to helping those who can’t help themselves. Trump couldn’t give a rat’s ass about other people; he’s a classic sociopathic narcissist. I like to think of him as the anti-Bernie.
As I was finishing this little disapprobation of the mouth that roared, another big story played out from South of the border, down Mexico way. Joachin “El Chapo” Guzman, Mexico’s foremost drug lord, escaped from their most secure prison, with a little help from his friends. Trump couldn’t help himself: “Can you imagine Jeb Bush or Hillary Clinton negotiating with this guy?” He went on to say he’d kick El Chapo’s ass, then he was tweeted allegedly by El Chapo: “Keep (expletive) around and I’m gonna make you swallow your (expletive) words.” Whereupon Trump contacted the FBI and went briefly into hiding. This El Chapo guy may be responsible for between 10,000 and 34,000 murders. I don’t think I would mess with him, unless of course I was a loudmouth and couldn’t control myself.
I’m no psychiatrist, but some things seem so obvious. Trump wildly overcompensates his worth, value, and accomplishments. I think when he looks into the mirror, he sees a complete loser. Nothing Trump can ever do will be good enough for him. I think this guy would be pushing a shopping cart down the street with all his belongings, if it weren’t for the $200 his daddy left him, and I think he knows it. Meanwhile he’s sucking all the oxygen out of the media, and rather than stating their views, the other Republican candidates feel they have to respond to him. Plus, he’s tarnishing “the brand,” at least that’s what RNC Chairman Reince Priebus called to tell him. I believe he knows this too, although he’s just delusional enough to think he can win. He says the campaign will “cost him peanuts.” How many peanuts do you need to make $1 billion? Because that’s probably what the nominee will have spent by the time the dust settles.
No, he’s not serious, he’s a performance artist. This is all an act to pump up his insatiable ego. And it is comical to see him get all puffed up, like a big ol’ rooster. Cock-a-doodle-do, Donald. If ego were currency, he could pay off the entire national debt, and still have enough left to take all of America out for pizza. But he’s great fodder for comics. On storify.com they have a banner: “Vote for Trump if you want toupee.” And the satirical musical revue The Capitol Steps have him, as President, renaming the official presidential jet Hair Farce One. Oh, yes, it’s a gold mine, alright. Again, as I was finishing this, and in an extraordinary coincidence, I heard about Trumping your cat (#Trumpyourcat). It works best on longhaired breeds. Brush or comb your cat, then take the loose fur, wad it up and put it on your cat’s head, then take a picture. You’ve just Trumped your cat. Oh and by the way, surgeons at Johns Hopkins University Medical Center have tried unsuccessfully to remove the dead red mammal on top of Trump’s head. In its death grip, its claws became so deeply imbedded in his skull that they’re dangerously close to the myopic nerve, one possible reason for his short-sightedness. The surgeons worry that invasive surgery would exacerbate the situation, with the resulting potential infection leading to delusions of grandeur. And who knows, by the time this gets posted around July 26th, Trump could well be leading in the polls. You have a ticket in the front row — enjoy the show!