How to Be a White Person
The economy is still pretty shaky. Wealth inequality is the worst since the Republican Great Depression of the 1930s. Not a lot has changed in the fifty years since “West Side Story,” when the Puerto Rican characters sang “Everything’s right in America, if you’re all white in America.” If you want to stay afloat or get ahead, you’ll be better off white, or if you are already, even whiter. But we have a black President! Yes, and he illustrates my point perfectly. Do you think he’d be President today if he acted like a black man? No, you bet your booty he wouldn’t. He had to learn to act white, and so can you.
The advantages are numerous, especially if you live in the South or the inner city. Employment opportunities increase, along with advancement. You can wear a hoodie any time, anywhere, and no one will think you’re a gang-banger. You can walk down a dark street at night without frightening others. You can jog or run, and the police aren’t going to stop you and demand to know what the hell you’re doing there. Your children will attend better schools, and they’ll place higher in those culturally biased standardized tests, as well. Your chances of going to prison are greatly reduced, no matter what crime you may commit.
You needn’t worry if your skin isn’t a sickly, wan pink. It’s all about attitude and how you present yourself. Look at alleged comedian Wayne Brady — he’s a black man, but he’s almost as white as Mitt Romney, and you can’t be any whiter than that. You don’t need to try and get that stuff that Michael Jackson used to make his face white as a ghost.
To begin with, you’ll want to work on your English. Practice your diction; learn to correctly pronounce words like ‘ask’ and ‘strength.’ To hear how white people talk, you might want to listen to old Cosby Show reruns. But the perfect ideal for whiteness is the aforementioned Mr. Romney, and there’s plenty of video footage from the 2012 Presidential campaign. Watch the way he walks, like a man with an Iowa corn cob up his ass. See the way he turns, as if he were wearing a heavy suit of armor, or had a big board strapped to his back. Most white people are uncomfortable in their own skin, because they’re full of self-loathing. Every time George W. Bush walked up to the podium to make a speech, it always looked to me like it was the first time in his life he’d ever worn a suit. But he’s got nothing on Mitt. Note especially the shit-eating grin. It’s been said he looks like the guy who fired your dad — probably because he IS. That’s the grin white people have while they’re stealing your money.
When dancing, you’ll need to learn to move like white people, not smoothly or in rhythm. Work on being a little off time. Try to come up with awkward dance steps and really dorky movements.
As for food and drink, really white foods are quinoa or Waldorf Salad. No hummus – too Middle Eastern. Macaroni and Cheese is a good choice, or anything else non-ethnic. The important thing is, the more tasteless, the better. As for alcoholic beverages, white wine is okay, but martinis and cocktails are a lot whiter.
Your music choices include Bing Crosby, Neil Diamond, or Kenny G. If you must listen to rock or pop, Adele or Justin Bieber are great. Absolutely no rap — unless the white person you’re trying to be is a teenager or twenty-something.
You can stop warning your children about the police. You know, telling them in no uncertain terms never to talk back to a cop, and never, ever, run from them. White people never even think about such things. See? Life is already getting easier.
You cannot marry, or even date, any of the Kardashians. But then, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to.
Of course the best way to pass as white is to have lots of money. This will make it nearly impossible for people to even notice your skin color. Unfortunately, there is a Catch-22 in this method. In order to have lots of money, you need to be white. And not just white, but male, too. I’m afraid this is bad news for the ladies. You can be as white as white can be, but if you try to be more male, they’re just going to accuse you of being a lesbian. Sorry, it’s still a man’s world out there.
If you’re already a white person, you can always look and act whiter. As for me, I’m white as a butt. I could be whiter if I wanted to — you know, give up jazz and blues music. But I’m old, now, and don’t really care anymore. I’m doing this to help you. Maybe a basketball analogy will help. White people have never been good at driving to the hole, but they sure can shoot free throws. They never had to compete on the inner city playgrounds, and most of them had their own hoop fastened to the garage, so they learned to practice free throws. In America the game has been rigged, so they get a lot more free throws than anyone else.
In a country of the white people, by the white people, and for the white people, you’ll go a lot farther if you heed my advice. I’d get started right away if I were you, because things are changing. In ten or twenty years, white people will be the minority in this country, and they’re all going to be looking for ways to look darker and more, you know, hip.
White people have always had an advantage in America because they’ve always been white people.
— Earnest Prankheimer