Who Needs Science, Anyway?

Who Needs Science, Anyway?

By Earnest Prankheimer

    Those fancy pants scientists — what do they know?  They sit in their Ivy League towers, handing down their wisdom from on high.  Who do they think they are?  All they do is wear white lab coats and play with their test tubes all day.  They’ve never done an honest day’s work in their lives, but they want to tell us how to live.
    They say carbon dioxide is bad for the environment.  Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous in your life?  I’m breathing it out right now, and I feel just fine, thank you.  What are we supposed to do, stop breathing?  Besides, carbon dioxide is what plants breathe in; they need it to live and grow.  It seems to me that the more of the stuff we can pump into the atmosphere, the bigger and healthier they will be.
    This whole global warming hysteria is just a big hoax by these godless atheist Democrats.  Why, we have hundreds of scientists [paid by the energy companies] who say it’s pure hokum.  If there’s global warming, how come it snows every Winter?  And the last time I checked, there’s still some ice at the North Pole.  What do they think we are, idiots?
    These heathen scientists tell us we’re headed for an environmental catastrophe, and that’s bunk, too.  In Genesis 8:22 God promised he wouldn’t let the Earth be destroyed ever again.  “While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease.”  So there!  That’s good enough for me.  I think the Lord of all the Universe is a little smarter than a bunch of namby-pamby scientists, with their anti-fossil fuel agenda.  So let those bastards freeze in the dark!
    They want us to believe we all evolved from apes and monkees, but God created man from clay, not Magilla Gorilla.  It says so right there in the Bible.  We’re expected to believe that rocks are [fossils] billions of years old, when they can’t possibly [fossils] be more than [fossils] 6000 years old.  When it comes down to it, I’m a lot more interested in “Rock of Ages” than the age of rocks.
    We’re expected to believe that the Sun is the center of the Solar System, and that the Earth and the other planets revolve around it?  What rubbish.  I don’t have to be no genius to see that the Sun comes up in the East, goes around the top of the sky, and sets in the West.  How could that be if it didn’t go AROUND the Earth?  Now we don’t know what happens to the Sun after it sets, but as long as it comes up again tomorrow, who the hell cares?  I can prove that the Sun goes around the Earth.  In Joshua we’re told that the sun stood still in the sky.  If the Earth were really revolving around the Sun, all the continents would have flown off into space, wouldn’t they?  When we look up into the night sky, see all those tiny points of light?  Those are other people’s campfires, probably a hundred miles away.
    Now you’ll hear all these debunkers go on about how Noah couldn’t have known about microbes, bacteria, and such, so he couldn’t possibly have collected two each of them for the Ark, so the story can’t be true.  In fact, it proves the opposite!  The fact that we HAVE microbes and bacteria proves that Noah must have collected them, or they wouldn’t even be here, right?  Use your head!  You don’t have to go to some fancy-schmancy University to figure that out!
    I think it’s only fair that we teach creationism in our schools, along with evolution.  After all, creationism is a fact proven by the Bible, whereas evolution is merely a theory, like gravity.  In fact, we don’t need public education at all.  I mean, why do I have to learn spelling or math?  My Smartphone has a spellcheck and a calculator.  As for history, everything you need to know runs from Genesis to Malachi.  Music and art?  There are plenty of good gospel songs and other Jesus-inspired music, and we certainly don’t need art, which nobody understands, anyway.
    That leaves Health classes.  We don’t need that, either.  If you practice abstinence until after you’re married, you don’t need to know anything about birth control, sexually transmitted diseases, or any of that stuff.  And Leviticus tells us what we need to know about food, what to eat, and what’s unclean.  As for what happens afterward, that’s perfectly covered in Deuteronomy 23:13-14:  “And thou shalt carry a paddle upon thy weapon:  and it shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee:  for the Lord thy God walketh in the midst of thy camp . . . “
    So get rid of public schools and replace them with Bible study.  We don’t need colleges either.  Rick Santorum told us that they’re nothing but indoctrination mills [Mao Tse-tung said exactly the same thing].  We won’t need family planning abortion clinics anymore, either.  Think of all the money we could save, not having to pay our hard earned taxes on all this junk.  That money could better be used to battle the enemies of the Lord, and they are many.  We don’t need no sissy-ass scientists to tell us a tornado is coming — all we have to do is look at the sky.
    From ancient days, when Ashram begat Rebar, who begat Bedlam, who begat Nimrod, and all the generations of our forebears the Lobotomites, we got along just fine with the Holy Scriptures.  Our Bibles and our guns are all we need, and that’s all we want.  So who needs science, anyway?
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. — anonymous

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