Woman’s World — No Man’s Land
As Rod Serling used say on “The Twilight Zone,” submitted for your approval — in a parallel time in an alternate reality, do some truths remain universal?
Oct. 18, 2016, Ashley Piper, Fox News
America, along with most other countries, is a matriarchal society. It has been since our first President, Martha Washington. Now, Donald J. Trump is running to be the first male President of the United States, and he faces a formidable task. Like, is this the best that men could come with? Really? The election wouldn’t even be close if it weren’t for Hillary’ Clinton’s constant habit of getting herself into trouble.
The latest scandal involves a 2005 tape of her, released just last week. She was on the “Access Hollywood” bus talking to Bambi Bush, and she revealed a pretty coarse perspective on men: “I just can’t help it when I see a beautiful . . . I just start kissing them. There was this one really hot guy I wanted, but he was married. I moved on him like a bitch, but I couldn’t get there . . . And when you’re rich and powerful, when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the balls. Anything.” Most anyone would find these statements disturbing, but Mrs. Clinton insists it was just “girl talk.” After pressure from Democratic Party leaders, she apologized for her comments. It has allowed Trump to close the gap, but she has even bigger problems now. In the week since the tape was released, over a dozen beefy young hunks have come forward, claiming she made such inappropriate advances to them (and who wouldn’t?).
All this salacious gossip is diverting us from the central question: Is America ready for a male President? And what would we call his wife, the First Lady? It sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? Men have made great strides in the past decades. They won the right to vote, and immediately a masculist movement was born, pushing for equal rights. Today there are several members of the House and Senate who are men, and some are very intelligent. But there’s a good reason men only make 76 cents for every dollar a woman makes. They have a tendency to constantly check sports scores or watch porn when they should be working. And why should anyone care if Willie Smith has a lifetime batting average of .372 with fewer than ten men on base in months containing the letter ‘r’? Is that supposed to be important, or something? If men are so intelligent, why haven’t they turned out a Leonora da Vinci or Michelangelina by now? Where’s their Alberta Einstein?
There’s another reason we haven’t had a male president. There are questions as to whether men are fit for high political office, as they seem to be ruled entirely by their hormones. Whenever any conflict arises their first instincts are simian threat displays if not outright violence. How can they be trusted to handle tense diplomatic situations? Can you imagine what the world would look like if men ran things? There would be wars and violence all around the globe. It’s unimaginable.
Basically, men are good for supplying semen, although they’re handy for lifting heavy objects, and pretty good at fixing cars, too. But their place is at home in the kitchen, barefoot. When I get home from a hard day at the office, I like my dinner ready when I walk in the door, and if it isn’t there’s gonna be hell to pay. They should be raising the children, too. After all, I’m the one that carried them for nine months, then went through painful labor to bring them into the world.
Well, let’s go now to our Fox Studio, and “News Now,” for a report on how the candidates are preparing for the final debate. [Cut to studio set, where the three panelists are seated: Linda Lee, Cassie Kaye, and Brock Beefington]
Linda: “Brock, what does Donald Trump have to do tonight?”
Brock: “Well, Linda, he has to look presidential. It wouldn’t hurt him to smile a little, either. He can’t cough, sniffle, or appear threatening, as he did in the last debate. He can be assertive, as long as he doesn’t come off as being too shrill.”
Linda: “Yeah, he has to keep his testosterone under control. Cassie, what does Hillary need to do?”
Cassie: “All she has to do is show up, baby. And maybe not fall over. She knows which of his buttons to push, and he takes the bait every time.”
Linda: “What about this new tape where she brags about groping men?”
Cassie: “Have you seen some of their pictures? These guys are pretty buff.” She glances over at Brock, “Kind of like you, Brock.”
Brock: “Huh? Oh, gosh, thanks.” He gives his blond hair a shake and smiles broadly.
Cassie: “He can’t control his emotions. How a hysterical circus clown like him thinks he can be the leader of the free world is beyond me. I mean, most of his supporters are old white men who can’t get it up anymore.”
Linda: “The first male president is going to have to be genuinely masculine, without being too dominating. Women voters have already had enough of that in their own lives. But Trump — he’s got an excuse for everything. The microphone was bad, the media is against him, the election is going to be rigged. Do you know what that makes him sound like?”
They all yell in unison: “A whiny little bitch!” (laughter)
Linda: “Masculists like to point out that in the natural world the predominant order is male rule, how the alpha male has won his position by beating up all challengers, so that he has the choice of any and all females. They conveniently leave out the part about how the female praying mantis or black widow spider usually devours him after he’s delivered the goods, so to speak. Thank the Goddess, we humans have risen above the beasts of the field. We’re not trying to castrate men, we just want them to act like grown ups, not little boys. And more and more of them are coming around. That’s the News Now. Goodnight.”
This little bit of fun, though exaggerated, was inspired by a Facebook post by artist and college professor Michelle Vitali, a few days after the first presidential debate. Read it, and if you still don’t think there’s a double standard, then I don’t know what else to say.
“Imagine a woman who showed up [to a presidential debate] unprepared, sniffing like a coke addict and interrupting her opponent 70 times. Let’s further imagine that she’s had 5 kids by 3 men, was a repeated adulterer, had multiple bankruptcies, paid zero federal taxes & rooted for the housing crisis in which many thousands of families lost their homes. Wait . . . there’s more: she has never held any elected office in her life.”
Special Editor’s note to Republicans — Tomorrow is election day, and I realize you have all sold your souls to the Devil to vote for an unregistered sexual offender simply because he has an ‘R’ next to his name, but you’re forgetting something: if you elect Trump you’ll be depriving yourself of the supreme ecstasy — impeaching Hillary Clinton. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime!