If Women Had Written the Bible
Part I — Genesis and Beyond
CHAPTER 1. In the beginning, when She decided to create the heavens and the Earth, the Goddess said “Let there be light!” and there was light. And it was good, because when you’re going to create on this scale, it helps to see what you’re doing. And She spoke the galaxies and stars, and She breathed out nebulae and dust clouds. Most of her creation was dark and invisible, so as to confuse future astronomers, as She had a prankish side. She created the birds, fish, animals, and plants in a single afternoon, female and male created She them. She looked at it all, and pronounced it good, but something was missing. It would be nice to have a being that could look around at all this and say, “Oh, my.” So She created the first woman, and called her Eve. All this creating took a total of six days, and She was exhausted by her labours, so on the seventh day she went dancing.
When she came in to work Monday morning, She went straightaway to see how Eve was getting along, and found her working in the garden. It was obvious the birds and animals all loved her, the way they clustered around. It looked like a Walt Disney movie, for God’s sake. She said to Eve, “It is not good that you are alone. I will make a mate for you.” (The Goddess herself had a mate. His name was Doug, and he didn’t help out much with creation, or even housework. He mostly sat around all day watching sports. But they kept each other balanced.) She magically and painlessly reached into Eve’s abdomen and retrieved a single egg. “This will do,” She said, and from it created Adam, the first man. “He shall be called man because he is born of woman.”
She looked upon the new couple, and it was good. “Go thee forth and multiply,” She told them. “Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out. Go forth now, over the Earth, not to subdue and dominate it, but to be stewards of my creation. And heaven help you if you screw it up!” She was about to leave when She remembered something important, “Oh, by the way, you can eat most anything here, but I’d stay away from yonder tree, if I were you. It contains the knowledge of good and evil, and you don’t want any part of that, for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” She thought, maybe I’ll give that line to Shakespeare someday. “And be sure to laugh!” She said, then flew away to create other worlds and other beings to care for them.
CHAPTER 2. One day Adam was sitting on a dead log, munching on a quince. “Eve, try this, it’s really good.” He held it out to her and she said, “Where did you get that?”
Adam pointed and said “That tree over yonder.”
Eve exploded: “Adam, you idiot!”
“What?” he said, confused.
Eve rolled her eyes. “The Goddess advised us not to eat those! You’ll get us in trouble.”
“It wasn’t my fault,” he said, “this reptilian guy talked me into it.”
“Adam, take some ownership for your own actions,” She said, turning away from him.
Adam shrugged, then looked at her strangely. “Hey, let’s do that thing again that feels so good. I need enough men to start an army.”
CHAPTER 3. The Goddess had only been gone for a few moments, but when she looked to Earth again, thousands of years had passed, and the place was a mess. “What the flux!” She cried, and the very Earth trembled at the force of Her voice, and angry clouds churned up the skies. People everywhere looked around to see what was happening. She regretted ever having created people, and thought about sending a great flood to wipe them all out. No, that wouldn’t do, because the birds and animals would die too, and they’d done nothing wrong. Besides, it would have been impossible for Noah to gather two of everything, anyway. He had no idea of bacteria and fungi. Damn that Adam, She thought to Herself.
CHAPTER 4. The Goddess was still angry, and wanted to destroy something. There was a particularly decadent place called Las Vegas, full of greed, corruption, and bad lounge acts. She brought forth two angels to discuss it with. They would be Her agents of destruction. Then, thinking more on it, She told them to go into the city, and if fifty righteous people could be found, the city would be spared. Was that too many to hope for? She settled on ten. She sent the angels to Lot, for him to begin the search. But then men came to Lot’s house and surrounded it. They wanted to gang rape the angels. “Bring them out,” they cried, “that we may have our way with them.” Lot was terrified of offending the Goddess, and so he offered up his two virgin daughters to the crowd.
The Goddess was furious: “I can’t let you people out of my sight for one second!”
Lot looked up at Her. “Is there a problem?” he asked.
“Oh, you KNOW what you did!”
“I was just trying to protect your angels,” he pleaded.
“Lot, you moron, those angels are Seraphim! I assure you, they know how to take care of themselves!” And with that — ZAP! — She turned Lot into a pillar of salt. She decided that even destroying the city wouldn’t save it, so She let it be, and left. The place really gave her the creeps. All those Elvis impersonators!
She looked down upon Abraham, his barren wife Sarah, and Isaac, the miracle child She’d given them. She would never have asked Abraham to sacrifice him to prove his loyalty, like some of those other gods she’d heard of. That’s just psychotic. She watched sad-eyed as early Jewish history played itself out before Her — Moses, Jacob, David (and his really, really close friend, Jonathan), Bathsheba, Samuel, Job, Rebekkah, Esther, Rachel, and all the others. She heaved a sigh. Well, She thought to herself, that’s what I get for giving them free will.
Being a man, I’m obviously at a big disadvantage in guessing what the Bible would look like if it were written by women. It would have to have been a matriarchal, matrilineal society, like so many of those in pre-Christian Europe, or at least one in which women were treated as equals. That wouldn’t have been very likely in ancient Palestine. Harsher climates tended to produce patriarchal and fairly violent cultures and mythologies, like the Abrahamic religions of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, or those of ancient Scandinavia. Cultures in more hospitable climes with plenty of food tended to be more peaceful and yes, matriarchal. On a side note, how did the Church convert those cultures in Europe to a male, white, Republican deity? Maybe emphasize the more moderate Jesus? No, instead, they had one of their greatest ideas — introducing the cult of the Virgin. To this day, Churches all over Europe are named Notre Dame (Our Lady) of this or that. That’s what I call a brilliant marketing strategy.
I think maybe it’s time to let the women run things. Men have been at the helm for several thousand years, and just look at what we’ve done. We should be kept around, though, to furnish seed for future generations, and to occasionally lift heavy objects.