World’s Greatest Trump Jokes — Vol. I
The election of Donald Trump to the presidency may be the worst thing ever to happen to America, if not the world as we know it. How long any of us will survive is anybody’s guess, but no one can doubt that he’s been comedy gold. I have painstakingly collected this material from far and wide. When he announced he was running for president as a Republican, many were surprised, as they had assumed he was running as a joke. Comics everywhere soon discovered the material often wrote itself better than they could have.
Reporting on the Republican National Convention, in which Trump’s wife appears to have plagiarized a 2008 speech by Michelle Obama, Bill Maher said the blackest thing at the convention was Melania’s speech. After Trump made a sudden trip to Mexico during the midst of the campaign, somebody made up red baseball hats that said “Make the Rio Grande Again.” As far as his becoming Commander in Chief, Jimmy Kimmel said “The closest Trump ever got to battle was his fight with Rosie O’Donnell.” Seth McFarlane: “This guy has an ego. When Trump bangs a supermodel, he closes his eyes and imagines he’s jerking off.” See if you can guess who said this: “Donald Trump has had several foreign wives. It turns out that there really are jobs Americans won’t do.” It was Mitt Romney, of all people. After the scandal over the tape where Trump said “You can grab them by the pussy,” Stephen Colbert said Trump should keep tweeting: “At least we know where his hands are.” John Mulaney has a theory. He says Trump isn’t really a billionaire, he’s what a Hobo imagines a billionaire would be. “I’d build tall buildings and put my name on them. I’d have golden furniture, golden hair, and lots of beautiful women.” John Oliver reflected on Trump’s original family name: “Drumpf. It’s the sound produced when a morbidly obese pigeon flies into the window of a foreclosed Old Navy.” And Albert Brooks said “Trump obviously wants to take away a woman’s right to choose, otherwise no one will have sex with him.”
Several prominent celebrities “un-endorsed” Trump. Cartoonist Brian McFadden came up with a list of Monster un-endorsements. The Mummy: “Trump’s views on women are as ancient as I am.” Dracula, standing outside a beauty pageant dressing room: “I can’t support someone who intrudes without an invitation,” referencing the myth that a vampire must be invited in. Frankenstein: “Fire bad! Trump worse!” The Bride of Frankenstein: “He barged into the laboratory while I was still animating!” The Wolfman: “I lose control only when the moon is full. Trump does that every day.” The Creature From the Black Lagoon: “ He mocked my appearance and called me a ‘creature.’ “
After the election revealed Trump’s strength with white voters, Bill Maher observed “I haven’t seen this many angry white people since the O.J. verdict,” then added that “Trump’s voter base has taught us one thing: Anglo-Saxons are not sending us their best people.” He went on to say, “Like it or not, we are living with Trump now. Even though it kind of sounds like those prescription drug ads you hear on TV: I’m living with Trump, but I’m not letting it control my life.” He still wasn’t through, though: “Who would have thought that going bankrupt in Atlantic City could be a stepping stone to the White House?” Lewis Black beamed sarcastically: “This is what I’ve been waiting for my whole life, a president who’s not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying asshole!” I can’t remember who said he changes positions more often than a prostitute with a bad back.
I don’t remember where this one came from, that the Electoral College is the first college Trump ever got into without a letter from his father. After Kellogg’s, the cereal giant, pulled their ads from Breitbart News, the alt-right website, “because it doesn’t align with the company’s values,” Stephen Colbert responded: “Really? The makers of Frosted Flakes don’t agree with Breitbart. You’d think they’d love a bright orange cartoon who promises his product is Great!”
Some of my suggested nominees for cabinet positions are as appropriate as the real ones. Christ Christie for Secretary of Steak, Scrooge McDuck for Secretary of Treasury, Mike Huckabee for Secretary of Church and State, Kim Kardashian as Secretary of the Interior (her TV reality crib is pretty well decorated), and Lex Luthor to head the CIA. Remember that TV reality show “17 and Counting?” This couple, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, are devout Baptists and don’t believe in birth control. They had to keep adding a number to the name of the show because she kept popping out units. I can’t think of anyone more qualified for Secretary of Labor. Energy? I can’t do better than Rick Perry, his actual nominee to head an agency he couldn’t remember he said he would abolish. You know, the one with nukes.
There were rumors that Mark Burnett, who produced “Survivor” as well as Trump’s “The Apprentice” and “Celebrity Apprentice,” would be helping to plan the inaugural parade, which brought this comment from Stephen Colbert: “We just had the Thanksgiving parade. We don’t need to watch another bloated cartoon dragged down the streets.” Do you know why Trump wants classical music played at his inauguration? So he can grab them by DeBussy.
There are of course the ones about his hair. Trump will rename the Presidential jet Hair Farce One. How is a thong like Trump’s hair? They both barely cover an asshole. And there are a host of pet names: Orange Julius, Cheeto Jesus, Hair Furor, Trumpelthinskin, Tweety, Trumpster fire, Agent Orange, the people’s billionaire, der Trumpenfuhrer, the Siberian Candidate, and one I’m thinking about making into a horror story — Trumpenstein.
A female blogger observed how Trump’s answer to policy questions during the debates reminded her of a 4th grader giving a book report on a book he never read. Then she came up with some imaginary Trump book reports:
The Grapes of Wrath — “Those grapes. They had so much wrath.”
All the Pretty Horses — “They’re not that pretty, believe me. 3’s at best. I have prettier horses.”
Catch-22 — “If I was in charge, there would be a lot more than 22 catches. And they’d be huge catches — the best.”
Lolita — “Lolita. Beautiful girl. Phenomenal girl. In ten years I’ll be dating her. That Humbert Humbert guy? So low-energy. Sad.”
The New Testament — “This New Testament is for losers. Jesus was crucified. I like saviors who weren’t crucified, okay, I hate to tell you.”
And my favorite: “I’’ve never had a problem finding Waldo. Never. Ask anyone. I always find Waldo.” Of course, no Trump book report can ever be complete because he can’t get past Chapter 11.
After Meryl Streep, called out Trump’s assholery at the Golden Globe Awards, without ever mentioning his name, you knew he would retaliate, and he did. At 3:27 A.M. he tweeted that she was the most overrated actress and a Hillary flunky. Seth Meyers’ comment: “That’s right. The Queen of American drama attacked Meryl Streep.”
The story that wouldn’t let go was the (unverified) report concerning Trump and the “Golden Shower” and Russian blackmail. Supposedly he was at a hotel in St. Petersburg, and had hired some prostitutes to urinate on the bed that the Obamas had slept in on a previous visit. Trump himself has shown people don’t care if it’s fake news or not, so there’s some justice here. Stephen Colbert went of at length: “I think this is just an unfortunate leak that’s making a huge mess. And I know I’m being a wet blanket, but reporting on this is the worst kind of yellow journalism. Not to say the story didn’t make a huge splash; it did. It flooded Twitter. We’ll keep you up to date as the facts trickle in. We have our best researcher working on it; she’s a real whiz. One thing is for sure: the President-elect is a Goldwater Republican, who truly believes in trickle-down. But I’m through making jokes on this. I’m finished. Wait, a little more is coming out . . .” Trump angry tweeted his soon to be intelligence community for releasing the report, adding “Are we living in Nazi Germany?” To which Seth Meyers answered: “Of course not. Nazi Germany at least had the guts to take on the Russians.”
On Mon. Jan 17, the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday, The Onion wrote: “President-elect Donald Trump spoke at a ceremony Monday honoring the sacrifices civil rights activists will have to make under his presidency.”
Let me leave you with the best one I’ve heard yet. John the Apostle was busy writing the Book of Revelation, while talking to God. “So, Lord, you say the end of the world will be signaled by trumpets?” God: “No, John, I said it would be signaled by Trump/Pence.”