You Might Be a Tea-bagger

You Might Be a Tea-bagger

Comedian Jeff Foxworthy launched his career about twenty years ago with a bit, “You might be a redneck”. as in, “If your porch collapses, and more than three dogs die, you might be a redneck.”  Now I think you could substitute “tea-bagger” for “redneck” and you’d be just fine, but that’s too easy.  The Tea Party movement is a recent phenomenon, and therefore deserves to be ridiculed in the proper context of contemporary politics.  I’m willing to admit that tea parties may have been an authentic grassroots affair for maybe five minutes, then it was co-opted and taken over by right-wing corporate interests like Freedom Watch and Americans For Prosperity.  Here’s a simple check-list so you can determine if you may, in fact, be a tea-bagger.  * = actually seen on a sign or heard at a Tea Party rally.

If you think President Obama was born in Kenya, you might be a tea-bagger.*
If you’re unable to differentiate between your ass and your elbow, you might be a tea-bagger.
If you can’t spell ‘moron’, you might be a tea-bagger.*
If you think a mentally deranged freak like Michele Bachmann is a viable presidential candidate, you might be a tea-bagger.
If you think Atlantis is the capital of Georgia, you might be a tea-bagger.
If you want the government to keep its hands off your Medicare, you might be a tea-bagger.*
If you receive Social Security, Medicare, or Medicaid, and still vote Republican, you might be a tea-bagger.
If you think the U.S. has a huge deficit problem, but this idea never occurred to you during the eight years while George W. Bush ran up $4 trillion in debt, you are definitely a tea-bagger.
If you think the three branches of government are Moe, Larry & Curly, you might be a tea-bagger (the three branches are corporate, banking, & the military).
When you look in the mirror and can’t figure out why there’s someone who looks just like you on the other side of the glass, you might be a tea-bagger.
If you think science is just a bunch of stuff made up by fancy-pants elitists, you might be a tea-bagger.
If you think a winter snow storm is proof that global warming is a hoax, you might be a tea-bagger.
If you can’t find America on a map of the United States, you might be a tea-bagger.
If you think a moderate Republican like Barack Obama is a Marxist, socialist, communist anti-Christ, you are probably a tea-bagger.*
If you don’t want HETeroSEXuals teaching your children, you might be a tea-bagger.
If you think all the country’s problems are the fault of illegal immigrants, gay
people, or abortion, you may not be a tea-bagger, but you sho’ is ignorant!
If you think Obama wants to take away your guns, when in fact, under his administration, gun laws have become more permissive, you might be a tea-bagger.
If you believe everything you see or hear on Fox alleged News, you might be a tea-bagger.
If you think the Bill of Rights is the first Ten Commandments of the U.S. Constitution, you might be a tea-bagger.
If you carry the “U.S.S. Constitution” around with you at Tea Party rallies, you might be a tea-bagger.*
If you think that people who teach your children, protect you from criminals, or pull you from burning buildings, are your enemies, you might be a tea-bagger.
If you think Obama is really a ‘muslin’, you might be a tea-bagger.*
If you think Obama’s Affordable Health Care Act will lead to ‘youth in Asia’, you might be a tea-bagger.*
If when you say “I want my country back!”, you mean to the days when a black man couldn’t be President and women knew their place, you might be a tea-bagger.*
If you earn less than $1 million a year, and you truly believe Republicans give a rat’s ass about your best interests, you are definitely a tea-bagger.
If you smell shit, and you don’t realize it’s because you have your head up your ass, you might be a tea-bagger.
There’s a reason the Rev. Jesse Jackson called you people “turkeys at their own Thanksgiving”.  Wake up and smell the Kool-ade!
If you really have no idea what the expression ‘tea-bagging’ refers to, you might want to look it up.  Until then, stop trying to dip your nuts in America’s mouth.   One other thing to remember:  tea parties are for little girls with imaginary playmates.

“The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”

– – Frank Zappa

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